Randolf Alles, Director of U.S. Secret Service, says the agency has begun to use body doubles for Donald Trump as threats against the widely disliked president have increased exponentially in recent months.
“It’s gotten to the point where we either keep the president under lock and key in the White House or we bring in lookalikes as decoys during public appearances,” said Director Alles. “To be honest, there are so many dead ringers out there for Mr. Trump, even I was fooled a number of times.”
An exotic caterpillar with hair the same color and worn in the same style as the president has been hired to play Mr. Trump anytime he is standing or walking on grass. The Secret Service believes the rare breed of caterpillar has already thwarted one attack against Mr. Trump during an NRA picnic in rural Texas.
A trash can was found outside of Philadelphia that is the president’s doppelganger. The rubbish receptacle’s likeness is so eerily similar to Mr. Trump’s that when Secret Service agents put it in a parking lot outside a venue where the president was speaking to military officials, several passing soldiers stopped and saluted the trash bin.
“We were blown away by how many of our U.S. military service members were actually confused by a trash can,” said Mr. Alles. “I must admit that the waste receptacle has a blank facial expression that is almost identical to Mr. Trump’s, but the bin doesn’t talk or gesture with small hands like the president, so it’s a wonder that so many active personnel were fooled.”
Agents protecting the president are particularly pleased with the performance of a horse brought in to mimic POTUS45 and throw potential assailants off guard. In September during a livestock sale in Ames, Iowa where President Trump was in attendance, a few hundred people lined up to get a photograph taken with the horse’s ass instead of the president who was standing only a few feet away.
Ivanka Trump, who was also at the livestock event with her father, became so confused that she walked over and kissed the horse’s right butt cheek thinking it was her father’s own bloated face. When she was told it was actually a horse’s ass and not her Dad who she had just nuzzled, she vomited.
Former London Mayor, Boris Johnson, who bears a stunning resemblance to Mr. Trump, has agreed to step in at political rallies and state dinners. It is believed Mr. Johnson has been practicing the president’s comical “power strut” and has been working with a speech coach to eliminate his British accent. He has also been training with a Melania lookalike to prepare for having his hand slapped away while visiting foreign dignitaries.
During parades where the president’s motorcade is scheduled to pass, one of the Secret Service’s most effective ruses has been the use of a sedan stacked high with corn-colored hay. Agents direct this vehicle to drive by first and watch as thousands wave enthusiastically to the unruly pile of straw completely ignoring the president’s limousine which follows moments later.
“I didn’t think this auto body double strategy would work, frankly,” said Director Alles, “but I was completely wrong. The hay stack gets them every time.”
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