Truth In Satire

With Mueller Closing In, Trump Said To Be Planning “Big League Global Distraction”

President tells aides he’ll “go nuclear on North Korea” to divert nation’s attention from his upcoming grand jury testimony

The guy on the right has the guy on the left crapping in his oversized pants. (Credit:

As special counsel Robert Mueller prepares to issue grand jury subpoenas related to Russia’s interference in the 2016 election — including some believed to be directed at Donald Trump’s advisers, members of his family, and even the president himself — the White House is on lockdown as it tries to work out an effective strategy for dealing with the crisis.

As Mueller’s investigation points increasingly to the president himself, Mr. Trump is eager to employ a “nuke-sized solution.” (Credit:

Sources close to an increasingly agitated President Trump say that he is now convinced his only option for avoiding an appearance before the criminal grand jury and eventual indictment is to create, in his own words, “a big league, code red, global distraction.”

And that, anonymous White House sources say, means only one thing — a nuclear war with North Korea.

“He keeps asking his military attache where the nuclear football is,” said one Oval Office insider, who spoke off the record. “It’s like he doesn’t want it out of his sight for even a minute.”

Another White House aide with access to the president, speaking about the nuclear option, said, “President Trump believes the only way to get Mueller off his back and away from his family — as well as his fortune — is to embroil the nation in a conflict so gruesome and cataclysmic, none of us will be thinking about the Russia investigation, because we’ll all be trying to survive. Admittedly, his plan sounds horribly wicked and stunningly irresponsible, as well as immoral, but no one advising the president denies it will be effective.”

It is not known exactly when the grand jury subpoenas will be sent out, or on what day the president will be summoned to testify, but sources close to the Mueller investigation say it is likely be sometime in mid-September.

That has inhabitants of the Korean Peninsula, all of Southeast Asia, as well large parts of the Middle East and Europe, preparing for either a direct hit from a nuclear warhead or the devastating effects of radioactive fallout.

The president’s advisers, however, are telling him that a first strike on North Korea that is able to disarm the communist nation, preventing it from launching its own nuclear weapons in retaliation, should spare the United States the unpleasant consequences of radioactive exposure followed by a season of nuclear winter.

Trump administration officials are also optimistic that a nuclear war contained to the Korean Peninsula, with few if any American casualties, would lift President Trump’s sinking poll numbers and bode well for his chances in the 2020 presidential election.


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