After a private session with Pope Francis during her visit to Rome last month, Melania Trump — who confirmed for the first time that she is a practicing Catholic — has made a public declaration to be a better wife to her husband and U.S. president, Donald Trump.
To underline this renewed commitment, the First Lady has published a short pamphlet titled, “Melania’s 12 Steps To Becoming A Better Wife,” which she said is intended to help other disenchanted wives revitalize their withering relationships.
“I am excited to release my new mission statement as First Lady, which the Pope explained to me was necessary to avoid perdition,” said Mrs. Trump, in a statement released by the White House press office. “I’m hoping it will give other cynical, disillusioned, and angry wives across the country, and around the world, a few more months of marital bliss, or at least a cordial marital stalemate, before filing for divorce.”
The statement outlined a dozen basic tenets of “Melania’s 12 Steps To Becoming A Better Wife,” which she says is designed so any woman can put it into practice immediately, and which she has already begun to implement in her own relationship with the president:
- Live with your husband in his home, rather than 500 miles away in another city, simply because you feel much safer far from his sordid grasp.
2. When your husband is entertaining golf buddies, or meeting with heads of state, do not slap his hand away with the strength of ten Slovenian wild boars, but rather hold his hand in yours delicately, smiling like a fawn (don’t worry, dear sisters, this charade of servile attentiveness will not last forever).
3. Sleep with your husband in the same bed and (gulp) have intercourse with him any time he wishes (they make drugs now to prevent pregnancy…as well as sexual sensation).
4. Sing your husband’s praises publicly, although from time to time, it is okay to sing off key.
5. Do not wish a painful death on your husband’s daughter or the other young women lining up to replace you. Remember that they will soon be suffering as you are now, and take Christian mercy on them.
6. When your husband tweets insanity daily and the ignorance of those missives, along with his decaying mental state, threaten world peace and the safety of all mankind, assure your man that you still love him, support him, and believe in him. But also keep Uber on your speed dial and have a sensible escape plan.
7. Pluck the grubs, maggots, and creepy-crawlies from your husband’s hair like you were a Rhesus monkey. If you really want to please your man, and demonstrate your spousal obedience in order to avoid perdition, pretend to eat the live pickings you’ve pulled from his scalp.
8. Make your husband all of the Cheetos-based meals he craves, including Pasta a l’Orange and that favorite of boorish slobs, Enchileetos.
9. Taking pride in your husband’s accomplishments will make him feel potent, strong, and successful. If he has no accomplishments, tell him how proud you are of the emphatic flourish he puts into his signature on Executive Orders.
1o. Refuse the temptation to “Lorena Bobbitt” your husband by shearing off his shriveled member with your incisors. Not only will this get you arrested, it might hasten your plunge into perdition. Bide your time, sisters.
11. A devoted wife will test all food served to her husband for poison before he eats it. If your hosts are Arab and Muslim, however, the respectful thing for a woman to do is excuse herself to use the ladies room at precisely the moment when the silver platters arrive filled with dates, figs, and tainted pistachio cakes. Proceed directly to Air Force One and wait patiently until your husband summons you. Or until Wolf Blitzer comes on with CNN Breaking News.
12. Walking away from your husband when he’s despised around the world and the chips are down is not the way to be a better wife. But sometimes you just need to take care of yourself. God will forgive you.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.