Truth In Satire

With Bannon Out, Trump’s Inner Circle Reduced To One Jew, Two Bimbos, A Cyborg, And A Bible Beater

But the Jew and the Bible beater don’t get along and the cyborg is malfunctioning

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From upper left, clockwise: the Twerp, the Birdbrain, the Fabulist, the Golem, and the God Botherer.

President Trump is in trouble. He is running the country virtually by himself, and he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.

So many of his appointees, administration staffers, and allies have resigned, been forced out, or self-destructed in some way, the president is now isolated in the White House while simultaneously at war with most of Washington and the world.

What is left of his inner circle is a dismal collection of weaklings, sycophants, misfits, morons, and a creepy automaton. If you were nervous before, you should be even more worried now, because the five people closest to the president do not inspire confidence, they trigger fear.

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The great statesman and real estate salesman, Jared Kushner. (Credit: crooksandliars.com)

First, there’s Jared Kushner. Presidential son-in-law. Orthodox Jew. Political novice. High-pitched yellow-belly. Oval Office gatekeeper and unapologetic Trump flatterer and presidential enabler whose leadership skills are non-existent and whose worldview is naive. Paid father-in-law $1.6 billion for title of “First Son,” really pissing off Eric and Don Jr.. Flagrantly profits from the Trump presidency and complicit in all of the Russia shenanigans, despite his claims of a short memory. This is the boy who the president trusts to guide him in times of a nuclear crisis.

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With her intelligence and gravitas, Ivanka Trump has earned the attention of world leaders. (Credit: plasticsurgerystar.com)

Next, meet Ivanka Trump. Daughter of The Don and the president’s personal paramour. De facto First Lady. De facto Clothes-Hustler-in-Chief. De facto Chesticles-in-Chief. Stand-in for her father at meetings with world leaders. Thinks she has an official role in the administration. Thinks she has something to say. Thinks she and Chief of Staff John Kelly are working alongside each other on behalf of the American people (former Marine Corps general disagrees). This is the girl who the president trusts to guide him in critical interior design decisions.

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Wind her up and watch her spin … and lie and spin and fib and spin again … (Credit: footwearnews.com)

And then there’s Kellyanne Conway. Toy soldier at the inauguration. Maker-upper of major massacres. Inventor of “alternative facts.” As Trump apologist, she can go from lucid to ludicrous in time it takes Anderson Cooper to deliver one of his incredulous eye rolls. Never short on words, just short on sleep. Has survived Trump’s axe until now only because she can still sashay down the West Wing hallways like a well-ripened beauty queen. Feet on the couch almost got her fired — luckily the president has a foot fetish. The is the anorexic chatterbox who the president trusts to guide him with polling, which he spells “pole-ing.”

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Trump’s personal cyborg, Stephen Miller, first with his facial flesh on and then with it partially peeled away. (Credit: independent.co.uk and bioteams.com)

Stephen Miller. Russian-made cyborg. Serial Number CYB-56739. First delivered to the beaches of Mar-a-Lago via stealth Soviet submarine in the spring of 2016. Programmed to intimidate underlings, write presidential speeches using Soviet-era totalitarian lingo, deliver ultimatums from the Oval Office spoken with a terrifying lack of human affect, and kill silently using miniaturized, poison-tipped darts fireable from behind either earlobe. Has been severely malfunctioning in recent months, perhaps due to bug in Ukrainian-assembled motherboard. This is the scary-as-fuck android that the president trusts to keep Melania out of his private quarters late at night when he’s “interviewing” a new batch of interns.

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If Mike Pence were a sentient being, he’d be a lot like Race Bannon. (Credit: www.nuvo.net)

Finally, Mike Pence. Vice-president with aspirations. Born-again Christian. Loves Jesus. Loves all men — except homosexuals. And women — except those who want to have lunch with him alone. Calls his wife “mother” — a folksy, hillbilly thing. Wears Lego snap-on hair. Earned an A+ rating from the NRA, which means he has killed at least one person in his life using a firearm. Has bored people to death — really, to death — with marathon readings of Biblical psalms. This is the anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-immigrant, anti-environment Race Bannon look-alike who Trump trusts to be more hated than he is, thereby guaranteeing that the president will never be assassinated.

And there you have it. The five faces of ferocious incompetence and startling stupidity that the president now turns to when deciding the fate of the nation.

Bye bye, America.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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