President Donald Trump, furious over the appointment of a special counsel in the Russian collusion case, used an early morning Twitter message to denounce the move as the “single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!”
The statement angered the most prominent witch groups in the U.S., including the National Order of Witches, the Black Hat Society, and the Wiccanan Warriors.
“The president needs to be more careful in his use of the ‘witch hunt’ metaphor,” said Loretta Telbunka, Coven Chairman for the Black Hat Society, a 300-year-old witch organization. “Perhaps he’s unaware that this is a gender specific slur, that women, as the weaker sex, were considered more susceptible to dark influences. But he has almost single-handedly reclaimed demonic possession as the dominion of men.”
“We know that Steve Bannon, Stephen Miller, and Mike Pence have long histories as devil worshipers,” stated Claudia Rolmens, First Witch of the Wiccan Warriors. “We’re neither surprised that Donald Trump has now joined their circle, nor that he used the term ‘witch hunt’ today to throw the new special counsel, Robert Mueller, off their rotting scent.”
Victoria Lowdame, Senior Spokeswicca for the National Order of Witches, believes that the president’s attempt to deflect blame for the Russian collusion scandal onto witches shows how close the investigation is to finding his cold orange fingerprints on the whole affair.
“It’s not surprising that a man who hates women would attempt to indict one of the oldest confederations of powerful women the world has ever known,” said Lowdame. “But he stirred the wrong cauldron this time. In addition to casting a number of spells, curses, and hexes, we’re preparing a witch’s brew for Mr. Trump that calls for one of his tiny testicles and a lock of his toupee to be mixed with a scraping of his rind-colored skin and three drops of his rancid semen.
“Once our witch on the inside, the pythoness Melania, pours this concoction into the president’s morning glass of Ovaltine, the country can take a deep sigh of relief. Within minutes Trump’s hands will shrink, he’ll appear paranoid, crude, and deranged, and he’ll make absolutely no sense at all when he speaks. That’s when you’ll know that the witches have returned, with the thaumaturge Hillary at the head of our phalanx, ready to assume her rightful place.”
There was no comment from the White House about the witches’ planned incursions into the top echelons of American government.
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