Truth In Satire

“Why I Play So Much Golf” By Donald Trump

Double Bogie Don explains to America why it is so important for him to spend a quarter of his presidency on the golf course

“What’s so hard about being president?” (Credit: USAtoday.com)

According to a press pool report, President Trump spent Tuesday and Wednesday after Christmas playing golf at his West Palm Beach resort rather than getting “back to work in order to Make American Great Again,” as he stated he would in a Christmas day tweet.

This marks the 86th day of his presidency that Mr. Trump was on the golf course, instead of in the Oval Office. That’s 25.6% of his time as commander in chief.

After major media organizations questioned the frequency of his visits to Trump properties as president (111 times since Inauguration Day), particularly to play golf, the president issued this detailed statement:

“A lot of fake news people, probably lead by the jerks at CNN, are asking around about why I play so much golf. All the presidents played a lot golf, Obama was out there like every day, so I don’t owe you bums an explanation.

But because the good people at Fox & Friends asked me nicely, here are the seven reasons why it’s so important for America that I get in a round of golf every couple of days:

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“I always leaves a good impression on behalf of America when I’m on the golf course.” (Credit: inquisitr.com)
  1. Your president looks great on a golf course. When I put on my skintight white golf shirt and comfy Haband slacks, and I strike a sleek and handsome presidential pose, it tells the rest of the world that America is an amazing leisure vacation spot. This drums up a ton of business for golf clubs, resorts, and hotels across the country. So I’m actually giving a huge boost to the travel industry every time I slip on my golf shoes.
  2. If you watch a lot of TV, like I do, you know that many other world leaders also enjoy the game of golf. This creates a natural bond between us. I know this for a fact, because so many have written to say that I’ve “teed them off.” That’s insider golfer lingo for, “I would love to play 18 holes with you, Don, the next time I’m in Mar-a-Lago.” That’s why I need practice regularly, so I’m always ready to hit the fairways with them.
“If this goes in, Kim Jong Un can kiss his big Korean ass goodbye.” (Credit: clickhole.com)

3. When I’m lining up a putt, I’m actually planning my military strategy against North Korea. The cup is Rocket Man’s mouth. The ball is a nuke. My putter is the launch device. When I sink my putt, it’s like I’ve just wiped the kimchi commies off the map. I can only come up with brilliant military stuff like this on a golf green.

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“According to my Fitbit, I rack up eight steps every time I leave my golf cart and head to my clubs.” (Credit: occupydemocrats.com)

4. Golfing keeps me in excellent shape. It’s important that your president stays in the best physical condition possible so I can serve America in top form for the next eight years, maybe twelve if I decide that is what’s best for the country. Every time I climb in and out of my golf cart and swing my sticks, I’m burning a ton of calories. You can ask any good doctor or club pro. Golf is famous for being the preferred game of the world’s greatest athletes, because it keeps us super fit.

5. A lot of important foreign policy decisions get made on the golf course. I have played golf with the leader of Japan — Prime Minister Chintzy Abe. I have hit out of bunkers with the leaders of a bunch South American countries, can’t remember their names, but they’re down there somewhere. I’ve also let the president of the Congo carry my clubs — nice black fellow. Point is, I couldn’t be making these big deals for America without a round of golf every couple of days.

6. Golf helps me get a great night’s sleep. And I need to be well-rested to take important calls from Vlad at odd hours and to plan historic stuff for America. A study at the University of Pennsylvania, my alma mater, showed that a round of golf helps leaders like me get better quality sleep. I only get three hours a night, so they better be knock-’em-out-cold kinda hours. That’s why golf is my “ace in the hole” when it comes to logging a deep, three hours sleep. Try it America!

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“Here I am taking a Mulligan over there in Scotland or Ireland, wherever it is that the Mulligan family lives.” (Credit: thetelegraphandargus.co.uk)

7. My golf game guarantees a great relationship with our important ally, Ireland. That’s because every time I’m out on the course I take a few of what we call a “Mulligan.” Golf started in Ireland, or Scotland, one of those, so each time you “take a Mulligan” on the course, you’re paying tribute to the family that created the game, the Mulligans. They just love it over there when I take a Mulligan. Every time I do, they treat me like I’m an honorary Irishman, or Scotsman, one of those two.

So you see, I can’t stop playing golf. Actually, I need to be spending more time on the course for the benefit of all Americans. So next year I promise to be out on the links a minimum of 172 days. Just for you.

FORE!

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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