President Donald Trump will leave on a five-nation Asia tour to include Japan, South Korea, China, Vietnam and the Philippines on Friday and the 12-day overseas trip is causing great consternation inside the White House.
Chief of Staff and senior child care manager, John Kelly, has drafted a list of 18 major moron mistakes — protocol slights, assorted faux pas, and various verbal stupidities — that the president must avoid during the trip so as not to offend his Asian hosts at a particularly sensitive time.
We have obtained a copy of Kelly’s pre-trip checklist with the chief babysitter’s itemized warnings for the president:
- Many people you see in Asia will have slanted or slitty eyes. This is normal. Do NOT ask them if they are sleepy.
2. Do not offer advice to any of your Asian hosts followed by the phrase, “It would be wise to follow my counsel, Grasshopper.”
3. Under no circumstances should you comment on the poor driving habits of your Asian chauffeur. This is considered a tired racial stereotype (although the characterization is often accurate).
4. At the Chinese state dinner, do not ask any of the guests if their hands are registered lethal weapons. Not everyone there has mastered a martial art.
5. Also, do not mention how much you enjoyed Bruce Lee in Fists of Fury.
6. At the South Korean state dinner, do not look down at your plate and ask what breed of dog they’re serving.
7. Never call a Filipino woman “Imelda” in a spirit of fun, no matter how many different pairs of shoes she wears or how expensive they appear to be.
8. At the Japanese state dinner, do not blurt out, “Ling, Ling! Dinner is ready!” They will not warm to your sense of humor.
9. Do not refer to Kim Jong-Un as “Dum Fuk” when you speak about him to South Koreans. Northern or Southern, there is still a sense of racial and ethnic pride among all Koreans.
10. If you meet the teenage children of a Chinese, Japanese, or Korean leader, do not ask them to reprogram your smartphone or load Netflix onto your iPad. Technical prowess is, again, viewed as an insolent Asian stereotype.
11. Don’t ask them how they did on their math SATs, either. They do not use the same standardized tests as we do in the countries where you’ll be visiting.
12. Never make the offensive slanty-eyed gesture with your hands like that stupid Astros baseball player did. No one will think it is funny in Asia.
13. Do not inquire of your Vietnamese hosts if they also missed the war due to bone spurs. Not serving your country in wartime due to fabricated ailments is considered cowardly in Vietnam and in most other countries, as well.
14. When in China, do not ask to visit the childhood home of Fu Manchu. He was a fictional character created by European white and intended as a crude and racist depiction of “yellow evil.”
15. Likewise, do not ask to pay your respects at the graveside of well-known Chinese military leader, General Tso. He lead no soldiers into battle and he never invented a popular chicken dish. He did not exist.
16. Do not try to soothe South Korean concerns about an imminent war with North Korea by telling them you will be ready to assist with an unlimited supply of paper towels. This did not work in Puerto Rico and it will definitely not work in a war ravaged South Korea.
17. Do not ask Chinese president Xi Jinping if he would be kind enough to introduce you to his countrywoman, the attractive actress, Lucy Liu. Ms. Liu was born in Queens, New York, the same borough where you were born and, although foreign in appearance, she is as American as you are.
18. Do not, under any circumstances, tell Rodrigo Duterte that he is doing a great job in the Philippines or that he’s fighting the drug problem “the right way,” because he is a maniac, a murderer, and a mentally-ill dictator. Wait…what…you did already?
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