With the surprise departure of communications director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday after only six days on the job, the Trump administration has decided to release the full schedule of dramatic resignations planned for late summer and early fall 2017:
White House Advisor Steve Bannon: Scheduled to resign August 8th
Donald Trump’s senior counselor is expected to butt heads with new Chief of Staff John Kelly right out of the gate, with lots of spectacular verbal fireworks on public display. In the heat of an argument, Bannon will throw a Lincoln-era bud vase at Kelly, missing the former general but smashing the priceless heirloom against a wall in the Vermeil Room. His resignation will be tendered that afternoon.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Will resign August 23rd
The beleaguered Attorney General has been hanging on by a thread for weeks. On Aug 22nd, Trump will tweet that Sessions should “resign or leap face first from the top of the Washington Monument.” Sessions will choose resignation the next day, as “previously planned” by the White House.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Gone on August 26th
After conservatives attack Mr. Trump for instigating the departure of their favorite climate denier and racist darling, Jeff Sessions, Trump tweets that the far right “is nothing but a bunch of tight-assed turds.” Trump specifically goes after former Governor Mike Huckabee, father of Sarah, calling him, “Mike Schmuckabee.” In protest, his daughter will announce her resignation at the end of August.
Trump Speechwriter and Scary Cyborg Stephen Miller: Resigns August 28th
Miller is a White House speechwriter, Senior Advisor for Policy and, most importantly, a Russian-made android. On August 27th, he’ll be taken offline for scheduled maintenance which will require his return to Moscow via FedEx freight. The White House communications office will tell the White House press corps that Miller has resigned due to an illness in his family. Since he has no family, and no one to leak the truth to the media, this lie will never be uncovered.
Chief of Staff John Kelly: Out August 31st
In the no-nonsense style of a former general, Kelly will order President Trump to freeze his Twitter account and turn over his smart phone. After the president refuses, Kelly attempts to confiscate the phone and the two tumble to the floor while grappling in the Oval Office. The president’s toupee is knocked off during the skirmish, and General Kelly succeeds in seizing the cell phone. Mr. Trump goes ballistic and orders Kelly’s resignation. The chief of staff obliges an hour later. President Trump tweets about the resignation an hour after that.
Lt. General H. R. McMaster: Resigns September 1st
In sympathy with his good friend John Kelly, the National Security Advisor H.R. McMaster will hand his resignation to a totally bald President Trump (his toupee will be getting a re-fluffing) the day after Kelly’s departure. Mr. McMaster will make it a point to shove Jared Kushner to the floor on his way out of the West Wing.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson: “Surprise” resignation occurs Sept 12th
Tillerson, who never intended to stay in his role past September, will leave to return to his $40 million a year CEO job at Exxon. He had agreed to serve in the Trump administration only until a secret oil deal with the Russians was completed — one that benefits Exxon and guarantees the Trump family $100 million a year in royalties from Russian oil giant, Gazprom. That deal will be finalized by the end of August, a week before the Secretary of State’s “shocking” departure. In an unrelated move, Mr. Tillerson will drop his porn name, “Rex,” and reinstate his given name, “Mustafa.” Who knew?
Secretary of Energy Rick Perry and Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos: Rare tandem resignation unfolds September 22nd
Perry and DeVos will appear together at a new conference to announce that their cabinet jobs are just too difficult and that they want to give President Trump “a clean slate” to find more qualified candidates. Perry will also mention that he got new eyeglass frames, apropos of nothing. DeVos will say she’s taken a job as president of a revived Trump University — with a new location and charter from unregulated Uzbekistan.
Secretary of HUD Ben Carson: Resigns October 1st in absentia
The HUD Secretary will disappear from the face of the earth on September 30th, just as the White House has planned. The Trump administration will announce that Dr. Carson was called away to Tibet to perform emergency brain surgery on a five-year-old boy who is expected to be named the 15th Dalai Lama. No one will bother checking the veracity of this statement because no one was paying any attention to Dr. Carson anyway. Mr. Trump will accept Carson’s resignation in absentia, replacing him with a podiatrist from Lucas, KS who also never heard of HUD.
Stay tuned for more dramatic resignations coming this fall!
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