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When You See I’m Angry, Ask Me What I’m Afraid Of
Before every burst of ire or anger, there is a millisecond of unconscious fear
A few years ago, I was walking with my seven-year-old nephew, a sensitive, exuberant boy who I adored. We were talking about a video game that he wanted, and I said I would gift it for his birthday.
In a gush of excitement, he reached up, grabbed my neck, and threw himself onto me, wrapping his legs around my waist. He wasn’t a small boy, or weak, and his sudden lunge knocked me off balance and we both fell to the sidewalk.
Immediately, I blew up at him, reprimanded him for his carelessness, threatened to withdraw my offer of the gift. He was instantly sorry and became sullen and deflated. So, did I.
Another time, a girlfriend and I were teasing each other while shopping in New York City on a rainy day. At one point, fake dueling, she popped open her umbrella and it hit me in the face, brushing my eye. I felt an instant, white-hot rage and saw real fear in her eyes as I verbally lashed out.
This story has been repeated throughout my life with family, friends, and colleagues. I become angry over some perceived slight or unexpected action that upsets me, and my temperature goes from zero to sixty in a blink.
