Truth In Satire

When The Manager Of Our Posh English Hotel Said That Trump Was An “Asswipe,” I Didn’t Think He Meant It Literally

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You can put a stinkin’ bum against your stinkin’ bum anywhere you go in England.

When someone calls President Donald Trump an “asswipe” in England, they are not speaking figuratively. They mean it quite literally.

That’s because, even at the finest hotels in this charming country, POTUS toilet paper is “de rigueur.” In fact, you’ll find the puckered face of Prima Donald staring up at you whether you’re sitting on the English throne in a public restroom, a local pub, at a country inn, or even in the petrol station bathroom on the A1 motorway.

“Most of our guests demand that they be given the chance to wipe their arses with the Donald Trump loo roll,” said Mark McGill, the longtime house manager of the historic, high-end hotel where my girlfriend and I have been staying for the holidays. A “loo” is the name used to refer to a bathroom in England. “Even our most aristocratic female patrons say they can’t start their days properly until they’ve dragged the dung-eating face of the American president across their derrieres.”

Mr. McGill added that they go through about 200 rolls a day of the Trumpty Dumpty toilet paper at his hotel — that’s about two rolls per guest per day.

He believes this high rate of consumption is due to the fact that guests use the Trump toilet tissue not only for urination and defecation, but also to blow their noses, clean their ears, wipe sweaty armpits, and throw spitballs at the TV whenever the American president appears on BBC news broadcasts.

Asked when he thought interest in the Donald Trump “asswipe” paper might die down in England, the hotel manager answered, “Not until the bugger’s flushed out of office, I’d imagine. Any chance you blokes might get off the pot and get on with that?”

I told him we’ve been trying to Dump Trump since the day he was illegitimately elected. To which he replied, “You Yanks certainly stepped into some deep shit with this plonker, didn’t you?”

Yes, we sure did.


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Thank you! –AI

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