It started a few months ago and it has gotten stronger as the weeks have gone by — a stink, a stench, a horribly foul odor coming from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Theories as to the origin of the fetor abound. Here are some likely culprits:
#1. Smelly Kelly — If you think it was disgusting to watch her kick off her shoes and put those terrible tootsies on the couch, you should have been there to smell it. The look on the faces of the two men to the right attest to the shock and eye-watering impact of the stench from KellyAnne Conway’s feet.
#2. Despot Toupee-Decay — Joseph Stalin suffered from it, autocrat Mao Zedong of China, too, and, most famously, the tyrant Francois Duvalier of Haiti. Turns out, as the man becomes more evil, the fake hair becomes more fetid. It’s a real thing, look it up.
#3. Lawnmower Fumes — President Trump has insisted that acres and acres of grass on the White House grounds be trimmed and maintained “golf green short.” This has necessitated the use of six massive riding lawnmowers to stay in operation 24-hours-a-day spewing horrible fumes that waft over the city of Washington creating a serious air pollution problem.
#4. Putin’s Pikefish Packages — Vladimir Putin loves the Godfather trilogy, especially the scene where Mafia murderers let Sonny Corleone know that “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.” Putin has adopted the same “pikefish-in-a-flak-jacket” messaging system to let the president know that Russian agents are taking out Trump administration leakers at a rate of one per week — and the resulting rotting fish smell is completely overtaking Washington.
#5. Unshaven, Unwashed, Seriously-Soiled Steve Bannon — Ever since he was pushed aside by the president several weeks ago, Senior Adviser Steve Bannon has been drinking heavily, eating crap, lying around in stained clothes, not showering, and soiling himself. The Secret Service tried to evict him from the White House grounds last week but were beaten back by the nauseating odor of Bannon’s oozing facial pustules. While his influence as an evil force in the Trump administration has certainly diminished, his potency as a putrid presence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue clearly has not.
#6. Freaked-Out Skunk Under White House Porch: Stanley The Skunk has been well-known to first families since the Reagan era. The old boy doesn’t bother anyone, except when he smells a rat entering the White House. Then he scampers from of his den and douches the trespasser. Most recently, Stanley was seen dashing out from under the White House portico and spraying Congressman Devin Nunes 14-times in two days. The noxious cloud of Stanley spray trailed all the way to the Capitol building.
#7. Blown Fuses and Burned Circuitry Inside Cyborg Stephen Miller — While no one disputes that he’s an android, there is some question about where to buy spare parts for Stephen Miller, the Russian or Chinese-made automaton being used by the Trump administration as a political assassin. As a result of the lack of replacement parts for the robot, he’s been breaking down frequently, sending up an acrid smoke. The last time this happened, the cyborg was thrown onto the South Lawn where he was left to smolder for a few hours, causing eyes to tear and chests to constrict among residents of downtown Washington.
#8: Poopy Pants Spicer — White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is under a lot of pressure, and he’s not handling it well. In fact, reporters say that a few minutes into every daily press briefing, Spicer freezes, turns red, and runs from the room, but not before dropping some Lincoln logs right there at the podium. Yes, its hideous…and, no, he can’t help it.
#9. South Lawn Trailer Park — Some of President Trump’s most ardent supporters lobbied to park their trailer homes close to the White House. His administration allowed a small trailer park to be erected on the South Lawn for celebrities like Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock , but they have been partying too hard and and their trash piles have been building up and the whole hillbilly housing complex is just one Washington eye sore and nose sore.
#10. City of Reekin’ Cheetos — The president’s love for the famous snack food, which also tints his hair, was quaint at first. But few knew that hundreds of thousands of open bags of Cheetos being used in every breakfast, lunch, and dinner meal at the White House is just a revolting smell. The Flaming Hot Cheeto-Dogs (top of page) and the Macaroni n’ Cheetos dish (above) look innocent enough, until you’re a Washingtonian trying to extract the constant Cheetos reek from your nostrils.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.