Truth In Satire

What Would Trump Do? (8 Tests Of Moral Character For The Sinner-In-Chief)

…with blistering commentary from legendary do-gooder and all-around saint, Jesus Christ

The Sinner and the Saint — what would each do? (www.dailyexpress.com)

With his presidency going off the rails in recent weeks, many are asking if Donald Trump is nuts, stupid, or just horribly ill-equipped to do his job?

Still others are taking a deeper look, wondering about the president’s moral fiber, whether he is a natural-born sinner or a saint in disguise?

To answer those questions, we called on bona fide saint and well-established righteous fellow, Jesus Christ, to administer a test to President Trump that can measure his virtue and his ability to judge right from wrong.

What appears below are 8 questions the Lord Jesus Christ put to Donald Trump, then the president’s answer, then the correct response as determined by The Messiah and Savior of all mankind.

Let’s see how the president did:

QUESTION 1: You are running for election to become the most powerful person in the world. To win, do you — A. Collude with a foreign adversary, B. Lie and cheat to mislead the electorate, C. Hide unsavory behavior from your past to appear more electable?
Donald J. Trump:
Trick question! I know the answer, you do all three.
Jesus Christ: No, that is not correct. The answer is none of the above. You run an honorable and honest election, and let the best man or woman win or lose.
Donald J. Trump: Whatever.

QUESTION 2: If the laws of your country require you to pay taxes annually, is it appropriate to follow those laws and pay the government what you owe or avoid paying your fair share?
DJT:
If you’re smart, you hide income and try to pay as little as possible, and also tie up your payments in court for years so you don’t become a sucker like the common man.
JC: Wrong, Donald. A country needs tax dollars to fund social programs that aid the poor and needy. All citizens must pay their taxes, perhaps wealthy people more than most.
DJT: Bullshit, I bet you didn’t pay one shekel in taxes. You’re a liar.
JC: Excuse me, I am an honest man.

QUESTION 3: An attractive married woman is standing in front of you at at a reception. You are married, too. Do you make an advance or return to your wife, with whom you have made a vow of undying love?
DJT:
Are you kidding, you move on the woman very heavily. And you fuck her if you can. If not, at least grab her pussy.
JC: Absolutely not! This woman is married and you are, too. The only virtuous response is to honor both your avowed bonds of fidelity and move on from her, not move in on her!
DJT: Look, buddy, I don’t know what kind of techniques you use, but where I come from we’re automatically attracted to beautiful, married or not. You pop a couple of Tic-Tacs and make your move.
JC: What kind of Christian upbringing did you have, sir? This is thug-like behavior and unseemly.
DJT: Don’t give me that holier than thou crap, pal. I’m the president. Next question!

QUESTION 4: Let’s try a simpler one. A hapless, homeless man is begging for change on a street corner. Your pockets are overflowing with cash as you pass. What do you do, as a Good Samaritan?
DJT:
Call the cops and get this guy off your corner, of course. You have the homeless under your feet everywhere you step these days. They make your building look like shit, like a ghetto, lowers your property values.
JC: Donald, listen to what I’m saying. Your own pockets are filled with loose change and this man is hungry.
DJT: Even worse. If he sees all those quarters spilling out of my pants he might try to rob me. In that case, it’s perfectly okay to give him a swift kick in the balls, keep him right where he is.
JC: God help us.

QUESTION 5: Please try to think more charitably on this one. Okay, you’ve been successful in business. You’re confronted with people from other places, from poorer countries, looking for the same opportunities and privileges that you had. How do you treat them?
DJT:
I know what answer you’re fishing for here, but there is only one smart play — send them all back where they came from. Otherwise you’re going to be overrun with wetbacks and Moslems and then good white Christian Americans — you do like Christians, right? — are going to get stuck cleaning toilets. We can’t have that.
JC: I really don’t believe what I’m hearing here. Do you not think that people who’ve been persecuted and robbed of basic human rights deserve another chance?
DJT: You must be a dreamer, because you got some fantasies dancing around inside your Weirdo Beardo head. You want chances? Alright I’ll give them a chance to beg for mercy as I throw them and their little chalupas over my border wall face first.
JC: This is not the behavior of a noble man, much less a saint. I’m very disappointed.
DJT: Christ, what are you, another whining liberal?

QUESTION 6: Alright, here’s a no-brainer, Donald. Ready? Incest, as you certainly know, is a sin. Now, if your daughter was to enter this room right now scantily clad, what is the proper response? Think about the devil now and the Biblical stories regarding temptation.
DJT:
Are you hitting on my daughter?
JC: No, of course not.
DJT: Seriously, if you’re hitting on her, I’d understand. The jugs on that girl are spectacular. You think I’m blind.
JC: We are not talking about me and your daughter. We are talking about your moral compass. What would YOU do faced with the temptation of incest?
DJT: Alright, alright…let me think. What did you say she was wearing? Lingerie?
JC: I said she was scantily clad. But I’m asking about the broader question of incest.
DJT: Victoria’s Secret has some very hot lingerie. I’ve seen Ivanka in one of those sexy lace bustiers. Va-va-voom. My tent pole came to full attention in about two seconds, I promise you. You get woodies, don’t you, pal?
JC: Let’s move on, please.

QUESTION 7: You are aware that gluttony, too, is one of the Seven Deadly Sins? This would involve excess and greed, yes? So here’s the question: If you had a bucket of chicken wings from KFC in front of you, or a large bag of Cheetos, or an entire double chocolate cake, would you share them or keep them for yourself?
DJT:
Oh man, what kind of questions are these? So tough. KFC has a couple different sized buckets, which one did you buy?
JC: I didn’t buy any, these questions are hypothetical.
DJT: Okay, what about the cake? Eight inch round, or 10"?
JC: There’s no cake, Donald.
DJT: No KFC, no cake? You’re telling me I gotta live on Cheetos?”
JC: Forget it.

QUESTION 8: Last question. This one is so easy, Donald, a child could answer it correctly. So focus now, come from your heart: You have at your disposal a weapon of such lethal destructive power it could exterminate everyone on the planet within minutes. Would you ever use such a weapon, for any reason whatsoever?
DJT:
Why would I have a weapon like that if I couldn’t use it?
JC: That’s not the point. Would you, as someone who loves mankind, use that terrifying weapon?
DJT: Does it make a big bang?
JC: It is a devastating bomb, yes.
DJT: I looked at an eclipse with no glasses on, you think I’m scared of a little bright light?
JC: DONALD, WOULD YOU USE A WEAPON THAT COULD KILL EVERYONE ON EARTH IN MINUTES, YES OR NO?
DJT: Whoa, relax, Crucifix Boy. Uh…I’m going to go with YES, but only if you got a fat ass, kooky kimchi at the other end of the barrel calling you horrible names.
JC: NO, NO, NO, NO! NEVER SHOULD YOU USE SUCH A CATASTROPHIC WEAPON. NEVER EVER!
DJT: Look, you do it your way, I’ll do it mine, okay? To each his own. That’s in the Bible, right?

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store