Truth In Satire

What You Should Do If Trump Gets The Flu

A guide to surviving in a dangerous world if our protector-in-chief goes down with the debilitating H3N2 influenza virus

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Donald Trump says he doesn’t need a flu shot because the embalming fluid coursing through his veins protects him from illness. (Credit:
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Go ahead, Mr. Flu, I double dare you! (Credit:
  1. Invite some Muslims or other immigrants into your home. Without the worry of a home or work invasion by Mr. Trump’s henchmen at the Customs and Border Patrol, it is safe to get to know your immigrant neighbors. Have them over for supper or visit with them on your front stoop without having to look over your shoulders every two minutes. It’s possible you’ll find Muslims, Africans, even Haitians to be not so “shithole” offensive after all. But do make those new acquaintances quickly, because once the president is back in the Oval Office saddle, he’ll be charging after all the oppressed immigrants and downtrodden refugees once again.
  2. Let your children know that nuclear annihilation is unlikely for the next 2–3 weeks. The H3N2 flu strain will knock the president on his ass so hard, he will not have the strength to push his very big nuclear button. That means we’ll all be safe from nuclear war for at least two weeks, and your children should be able to sleep better. This should also give American families enough time to take in the Winter Olympics in South Korea without anticipating the eruption of a mushroom cloud over the opening ceremonies. Go USA!
  3. Write your Congressional representatives. Have you noticed that the Democratic party’s resistance to the Trump propaganda and policy machine seems incredibly inept? This is because the president personally directs a team of Russian hackers and sophisticated bots from a command center in the White House. Their job is to interrupt email communications between you to your representatives in the Senate and House. So the period while the president is out with the flu and not at his command center console would be an excellent time to write to your elected representatives and tell them to GET OFF THEIR ASSES AND PUT AN END TO THIS DICTATOR WANNABE AND HIS CORRUPT REGIME!
  4. Watch something on TV other than Rachel Maddow and MSNBC. Donald Trump’s sick leave is a great time to catch up on shows you haven’t been able to watch for the past year because you’ve been obsessed with scrutinizing progressive TV news shows to make sure there’s still an America. Shows like This Is Us, Big Little Lies, and Stranger Things, as well as the last season of Game of Thrones, are available for streaming. Treat yourself to some actual entertainment while you can. Rachel will wait.
  5. Send the president a “Get Well” card. Just kidding. He didn’t get his flu shot, so he was asking for trouble. It would be better if you spent your free time writing to your elected officials instead. See #3 above.
  6. Consider making that Last Will & Testament. In the glorious peace of the president’s temporary silence, it would be easy to think that life might go on indefinitely. This is naive. When he’s over his illness, Donald Trump will be doing everything possible once again to fuck up the planet and endanger our survival. That’s why a will is a smart thing to have — not that it will make any difference once we’re all dead.

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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