Truth In Satire

What Barack Obama Is Thinking Now

21 biting criticisms reveal what the former president really thinks about Trump and his presidency

It wasn’t so long ago that we had a real president — and he ain’t so happy about the fake one. (Credit: Politico)

Barack Obama has been reluctant to criticize his successor — an unwritten code of conduct for former U.S. presidents — but it doesn’t mean he is without strong opinions regarding the bungled and incompetent Trump presidency.

In pages ripped from his private journal and leaked to the Washington Post, Mr. Obama lays bare 21 criticisms of Donald Trump and his administration, in bullet form, using strong, sometimes harsh language.

Here, as written and unedited, are the former presidents thoughts:

  • I just hope he’s not throwing empty Cheetos bags in Michelle’s vegetable garden — she’ll smack that squirrel pelt right off his head.
  • I remember when Malia met with Russian agents to collect incriminating information about my political opponents…oh, wait, that wasn’t my daughter, that was Trump’s kid.
  • They’re replacing ObamaCare with WeDon’tCare…and they call that a health bill?
  • Can’t believe I handed Trump the nuclear codes. I should never have listened to Joe — he’ll do anything to get people to like him.
  • He’s not the craziest world leader in history, but the only other two who were crazier, Napoleon and Ivan The Terrible, had syphilis.
  • I don’t know what Don’s using on his hair but I’m going to send him a bottle of my Keracare Humecto Cream Conditioner. Stuff’s amazing.
  • I’d rather be half-white and half-black than 100% bozo, blockhead, and bullshitter.
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“I’d rather he turn back time than turn over his tie to expose the Scotch tape. Ridiculous. ” (Credit: E! Online)
  • I left him a copy of Robert’s Rules of Parliamentary Procedure in the Treaty Room, but it’s like he never even opened it.
  • Trump’s skin is so thin you can see his ego bruising right below the surface.
  • If Melania needs to get out, I’ve got a map of the White House basement escape tunnels that I can send her.
  • He’s in the process of selling out America to the Russians, but he spent eight years ranting about my citizenship and my patriotism. That is priceless.
  • This guy’s got the dietary sophistication of a rebellious teenager. I should know, I put the camera in his microwave.
  • Angela Merkel told me when she first met Trump he tried to call up his childhood German and she laughed in his face. That’s why he won’t shake her hand.
  • I think Brother Don needs to get a decent night’s sleep, because he’s acting paranoid and crazy and he’s about to drive this 240-year-old democracy over a cliff.
  • World leaders are running away from this guy like he’s the kid on the playground with brown skid marks on the seat of his pants.
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The Trump family with beards, camo, and duck calls. (Credit: Deadline.com)
  • Looks like the apprentice president is about to hear the words “You’re fired!” Karma’s a real bitch.
  • Trump has surrounded himself with so many dubious family members, it’s like Phil Robertson and his clan have moved into the White House, minus the duck calls.
  • Everybody wants to know what Melania gave to Michelle in that blue Tiffany box on Inauguration Day. It was, incredibly, an autographed picture of The Donald on the set of The Apprentice.
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What was the mystery gift? A framed photo of Donald, stuffed into an old Tiffany’s box. (Credit: Us Weekly)
  • The Republicans impeached Bill Clinton for having sex with an intern — but I guess they won’t go after their own boy until he actually shoots that person on Fifth Avenue or tries to ride the Hershey highway with Ryan or McConnell. I realize that’s a bit boorish, but give me another scenario.
  • I don’t want to believe that Donald Trump colluded with the Russians to beat Hillary, but when African Americans, Muslims, Hispanics, lesbians, gays, socialists, communists, pacifists, actors, artists, teachers, Oprah fans, the Bush family, AARP members, environmentalists, medical doctors, college students, beauty pageant contestants, immigrant farm workers, Jews, friends of NATO, golf caddies, and too many other factions, family groups, and activist organizations to name, all band together to keep you out of the White House, and you still eke out an electoral college win…then there’s bound to be some cheatin’ goin’ on.
  • Let me be clear: if a man spends more time on Twitter trashing talk show hosts than he does working day and night to avoid a nuclear holocaust, then HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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