Truth In Satire

U.S. Issues Travel Warning For Every Country In The World

State Department official says advisories coincide with “pretty much everyone on the planet hating us right now”

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Flammable effigies of Donald Trump are the hottest selling item around the world this year, pointing to the hostility that awaits Americans traveling overseas.

As if to underscore how dangerous international travel has become for U.S. citizens, the State Department issued advisories today for every country in the world.

That means that we’ve reach the maximum number of countries — 195 out of 195—that are considered high-risk and no longer safe destinations for American travelers.

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State Department officials say that if Americans must travel abroad they should keep a low profile, not wear loud flag t-shirts, and never mention Donald Trump’s name.

“Since the 2016 election, and the inflammatory proclamations and provocative words from President Trump, we’ve seen a dramatically higher incidence of terror threats, kidnappings, and aggressive actions against U.S. citizens traveling abroad,” said State Department Assistant Secretary, Bruce Tannen. “We are now advising Americans who are thinking of traveling overseas to consider domestic destinations instead like Disneyworld, Niagara Falls, or Yosemite Park — places we feel we can do a much better job of protecting them and their families.”

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Worldwide distributors cannot keep the reviled Trump pinata in stock. (Credit: www.yahoo.com/lifestyle)

Tannen added that U.S. citizens who absolutely must be overseas due to business obligations or family visits “should try to travel in packs, puff up their shoulders real high, and make themselves look bigger than they actually are which will sometimes scare off would be American attackers.”

The State Department travel advisories also suggest that U.S. tourists eager to get away for fun and sun consider traveling only to Bermuda, a British Overseas Territory. “They like the U.S. tourist dollar down there, they’re reasonably friendly, and if we have to evacuate you for some reason, you won’t be isolated halfway around the world,” said Tannen.

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Police in every foreign country are stopping American travelers, urging them to turn around and head home for their own safety. (Credit: montrealgazette.com)

Asked how long he thought the global travel warning would stay in effect, Mr. Tannen did not mince words. “My best guess is that Americans should plan to stay put for the next few years or so at a minimum. If the rest of the world warms up to us for some reason, we’ll certainly lift the advisories, but until then the wisest course of action is to shelter-in-place.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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