Truth In Satire

Trump’s Homeland Security Chief Clears Up Confusion About POTUS’ Vulgar Language

Kirstjen Nielsen offered senators a different interpretation of president’s profanity-laced tirade at the DACA meeting last week

Kirstjen Nielsen accepting President Trump’s appointment as Homeland Security Secretary last year and agreeing to lie for him “without regard for personal or professional integrity.” (Credit:

Testifying at a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Tuesday, President Donald Trump’s Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, who attended his controversial DACA meeting last week, said she heard something “very different than what has been reported by certain other people in the room.”

Ms. Nielsen assured senators Tuesday that every obscenity the president uttered last week was “misunderheard.” (Credit:

According to Ms. Nielsen, the president never said “shithole countries,” but rather “shithouse countries,” as has also been reported by Republican Sens. Tom Cotton and David Perdue.

But it was the other clarifications that she offered to lawmakers at the hearing Tuesday that has many in Washington questioning press accounts regarding the immigration policy meeting held at the White House last week.

Here are excerpts from her remarks:

  • “I never heard the president call Senator Durbin a ‘cocksucker.’ I distinctly remember him asking the senator if he was a ‘Coke sipper,’ as he slid a can of soda down the conference table.”
  • “There was no mention of Nigerians as ‘Africoons,’ no, that never happened. President Trump said that he would be happy to meet with a contingent from Nigeria ‘that afternoon.’”
  • “He definitely did not tell Senator Lindsay Graham that he was a ‘fuck nut.’ Mr. Trump jokingly told the senator that if he wanted to look thinner he should ‘suck gut,’ a technique the president uses himself.”
  • “Senator Feinstein, I was listening very carefully and the president never said that all Haitians live in ‘feces-filled ghettos,’ but rather ‘geese-filled meadows.’”
  • “He also never ranted that every Haitian who came to America would be ‘spreading AIDS.’ He actually said that they would get ‘better grades’ because of the improved educational opportunities here.”
  • “It’s not true, Mr. Booker, that President Trump called Muslim immigrants a race of violent ‘night club shooters.’ He respectfully referred to them as ‘brightly-scrubbed rooters’ for a more diverse and stronger America.”
  • “I’m sure Senators Cotton and Perdue will confirm my account that the president never called DACA participants ‘ungrateful wetbacks.’ He said these poor souls have suffered ‘pitiful setbacks.’”
  • “Not once did I hear Mr. Trump refer to Norwegians as ‘desirable whiteys,’ although he did playfully give Scandinavian women the thumbs up as ‘delightful in nighties.’”
  • “I can categorically state that the president never condemned Democratic lawmakers in the meeting as ‘a bunch of dorks.’ He actually thanked them for coming to ‘lunch with their own forks.’”


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