Trump’s Face Decomposing After Bungled Deal With Devil
At campaign event on Sunday, the candidate covered half his face with a promotional cap, wouldn’t let media photograph his eyes
His sordid deals with Satan finally catching up to him just hours before the presidential election, Donald Trump covered half his face during a campaign event in Michigan yesterday, in what medical observers think might be an attempt to hide the decay overtaking his perpetual sourpuss.
“The only explanation I can think of for the candidate casting his face in shadow is decomposition resulting from a botched contract with Lucifer,” said Dr. Alice Monrow, Chief of Plastic Surgery at New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “We find that facial putrefaction in these cases always begins at the top of the head, invading lower parts of the body last.” Dr. Monrow added that we should look for Mr. Trump to “conceal his head under a lampshade or to wear a ski mask as degrading skin cells begin to flake off his doomed visage more rapidly.”
“I was standing in the front row and saw something dripping from his eyes, maybe vitreous fluid,” said Glenda Ballmer, a Trump supporter from Detroit. “My friends and I stepped back so we wouldn’t get splashed. It was yellow and thick, whatever it was.”
If, in fact, the physical assault affecting Trump is a reprisal from the Angel of Death for the candidate violating some part of their dark agreement, it is difficult to imagine how the candidate could perform effectively in office if elected.
“It is not impossible,” commented Dr. Monrow, “but patients I’ve seen with this condition find it very difficult to be productive with the skin melting off their faces and extremities. I can see this putting an American president at a real disadvantage in meetings with other world leaders.”