Truth In Satire

Trump’s “5-Minute Physician” Now Admits He Forgot To Test President For Rabies

“The disease could certainly account for Donald’s erratic behavior and extreme paranoid delusions,” says Dr. Harold Bornstein

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Dr. Harold Bornstein, who concluded in 2016 that Mr. Trump would be “the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency," is now having second thoughts based on the president’s unstable performance.

onald Trump’s longtime personal physician said on Friday that the president may not be as healthy as he wants us to believe.

Dr. Harold Bornstein, who had been the president’s doctor for 35 years until recently, said that Mr. Trump is showing signs of having rabies. The New York-based physician now admits that he forgot to test the real estate mogul for the disease when he came in for his five-minute, pre-presidential physical in 2016, after which Dr. Bornstein famously wrote that Mr. Trump would be the healthiest president in history.

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In the event the president does have rabies, Dr. Bornstein does not believe Melania Trump caused it. “A vampire bite is very different from that of a rabid animal.”

“The cerebral dysfunction, agitation, insomnia, and paranoid delusions are all very consistent with rabies,” said Dr. Bornstein. “But I just can’t account for where he might have contracted the disease — other than from Melania, and her bite would be more vampiric, not that of a rabid animal.”

“On the other hand, his irritability and mental dysfunction could also be attributed to syphilis,” continued Dr. Bornstein, “which would make sense with a mother who is an orangutan and his propensity to screw anything with a vagina. But with syphilis, we almost always see dramatic weight loss and, by no means, is the president losing weight.”

“Which makes me think we might be looking at testicular cancer, which not only can result in the shrinking of the testicles, but also of the hands. Confusion is also very common, and I think we can all agree the president seems quite confused…mostly about which country he’s representing, Russia or the U.S.”

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In addition to shrinking the testicles, the ravages of testicular cancer could explain President Trump’s tiny hands, said Dr. Bornstein.

Dr. Bornstein said that he is also concerned about the president’s tendency to wildly exaggerate the facts: “His constant use of hyperbole — about crowd size, penis size, the size of his popularity — makes me immediately think, brain tumor,” said Dr. Bornstein. “The medical literature is filled with cases of brain tumors growing in direct proportion to the size of a person’s ego.”

The doctor says that he can only guess at what might be ailing the president until he sees him in person to make a more accurate diagnosis, which is unlikely now that Mr. Trump is seeing Vladimir Putin’s Kremlin physician.

“I’d like to get the president in for a one minute follow-up examination but they tell me he’s gotten someone else looking after him now, some 30-second guy from Moscow” said Dr. Bornstein. “I just hope they see the signs before Donald’s rabies progresses to a state of total psychosis, which would not be good for the patient…or the planet.”


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.


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