Truth In Satire

Trump Says He’ll Bring Professional Wrestling To White House

President tweets: “About to generate $4 million weekly for taxpayers with pay-per-view WWE events. Win-win!”

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President Trump with Bobby “The Destroyer” Lashley at a WWE event. Lashley was the first to employ an extra long Trump necktie to strangle his opponents in the ring.

There has been a lot of speculation about what President Donald Trump might do with the full-sized basketball court that Barack Obama had installed on the White House grounds.

Now, we know.

Mr. Trump, who has had a long association with World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and its owner, Vince McMahon, will build an indoor, regulation-sized, professional wrestling arena to replace the ball court located near the south lawn.

The wrestling palaestra will be enclosed in a coal-heated domed structure, a three-month construction project awarded to the Trump Organization.

“My brother Eric and I are honored that we will get a chance to put our family’s signature on this world-class, White House wrestling arena,” said Donald Trump Jr. “We will bring this project in on time and under budget.”

The Trump scion assured the administration that the first WWE matches can be scheduled for mid-May, which prompted this statement from White House spokesman, Sean Spicer:

“President Donald J. Trump and the WWE are proud to announce a joint venture to offer exclusive professional wrestling matches direct from the White House via pay-per-view. Mr. Trump feels that the ‘people’s house’ has not been used efficiently as a revenue generator for taxpayers. He believes that the introduction of televised wrestling events from the White House could generate as much as $4 million per weekend, with a small percentage going to the events’ promoters.”

According to Spicer, the first big event, White House Wrestlemania — The Two Party Death Match!, which is scheduled for May 20th, will feature left-leaning grapplers versus right wing wrestlers in a cage match style competition.

There are also rumors circulating that Mr. Trump will put on his familiar red, white, and blue wrestling singlet for the event to take on current WWE superstar, AJ Styles.

“I am reasonably sure I can take the president down,” said an unusually diffident Styles, “but he’s got those nukes now. My signature Spiral Tap and Pele Kick moves won’t mean squat if he breaks out The Trump Atomic and torches me with his skin-melting, orange mushroom cloud!”

For his part, the president issued a brief statement about the upcoming White House Wrestlemania match: “I’ve put on an extra 100 pounds in the past four months so I could flatten opponents with my Pasty Pudding move. If that doesn’t work I’ll revert to driving them insane in 140 characters or less.”

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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