Truth In Satire

Trump Begs Bulldog Lawyer Michael Avenatti To Join Team; “You Can Be My Roy Cohn”

President pleads with attorney for Stormy Daniels to “take Rudy’s job and defend me like an attack dog against Mueller”

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Mr. Trump, who says his legal team “is full of wimps,” is attracted to Michael Avenatti’s pugnacious style. (Credit:

a surprise legal move, President Donald Trump has appealed to Stormy Daniels’ tenacious attorney, Michael Avenatti, to join his legal team and aggressively defend him in the Robert Mueller investigation.

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Mr. Avenatti has been tireless while defending Stormy Daniels in her suit against the president. (Credit:

“This guy’s like a bad rash — you can’t get rid of him,” Mr. Trump told aides on Wednesday, according to a person inside the Oval Office. “If Avenatti was on my team, I’d be out of this Mueller mess in a week. He can be my Roy Cohn.”

Mr. Trump was referring to the infamous New York attorney known for his combative style and a reputation for defending mobsters, as well as a young Donald Trump. Mr. Cohn, who was disbarred for unethical conduct in the 1980’s, had a “take no prisoners” attitude that is similar to Mr. Avenatti’s dogged approach.

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Mr. Trump says that if Avenatti breathes fire defending a lowly porn actress, then “he’s going to cream his jeans working for me.” (Credit:

“He’s really good on TV, too, not like Rudy or my other imbecile lawyers,” the president gushed to advisers on Wednesday. “Avenatti’s like a fucking attack dog…and he’s only representing a lowlife porn star. Imagine him when he’s fighting for a great president. The very first meeting with Mueller, he’ll rip the man’s throat out. I love this guy!”

When challenged by an aide who asked the president how Mr. Avenatti could represent both sides in the Stormy Daniels suit, Mr. Trump responded, “Think about it, who would do better against Michael Avenatti than Avenatti himself?”

It is not known if President Trump has informed Rudy Giuliani, a longtime friend and current lead attorney who puts the president in legal jeopardy every time he opens his mouth, that he intends to hire Mr. Avenatti to replace him.

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Donald Trump says he wants Michael Avenatti because the young lawyer reminds him of the pugnacious Roy Cohn (right). (Credit:

It is also not known why Mr. Avenatti would accept the president’s offer when he has been relentless in his defense of Stormy Daniel’s against the president.

But a White House source speaking off the record said that the president believes he knows what drives Mr. Avenatti better than most.

“This guy lives for the spotlight, I can tell. What he wants more than anything is his own TV show. So I’ll offer him a co-hosting role on The Celebrity Apprentice and he’ll be eating out of my hand in two minutes. You watch.”

Asked late Wednesday if he was interested in representing President Trump or appearing on his reality TV show, Mr. Avenatti shot reporters a withering look that caused them all to step back a foot.


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