On the day the Trump administration repealed a major Obama-era regulation that curbed carbon emissions, President Trump announced his own plan to stop global warming by offsetting it with a prolonged nuclear winter.
“I can’t believe NO ONE ever thought of this before,” tweeted the president. “Many problems solved with just one push of a button — YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD!”
The ominous tweet, reflecting little understanding of either climate change or the catastrophic impact of a nuclear conflict, was met with instant condemnation by the heads of state of 115 sovereign nations as well as stern rebukes from Pope Francis and Secretary-General of the United Nations, António Guterres.
But the president remained undeterred by the global censure, telling White House advisers, “My two-for-one plan will cool off the planet and get rid of Colonel Kimchi at the same time — bet Obama never considered that!”
According to one source present in the Oval Office, Mr. Trump got strong pushback from White House chief of staff, John Kelly, who told the commander in chief that nuclear war was not a solution to the climate crisis. Kelly explained that it defied logic to think that a serious environmental problem could be remedied by destroying the environment altogether, along with everything in it.
The president immediately shot back: “Are you calling me a moron?! I don’t care what the other gutless leaders think. My job is to make America great again even if it means reducing the number of countries in the world. What the hell, there are too many people on the planet anyway, everybody knows that.”
World leaders, concerned about the future of humanity, are now in secret talks with Senators Bob Corker and John McCain, who they believe are the only two Republicans with remnants of a backbone who might be able to neutralize Mr. Trump.
They’re also communicating through back channels with presidential daughter and paramour, Ivanka Trump, hoping she can seduce her father with promises of chocolate-covered breast implants, ultimately distracting him from destroying the world.
According to diplomats ferrying messages between the parties, foreign leaders have more faith in Ivanka’s nipples than the senators’ spines in resolving the crisis.
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