Trump Turns To Old Friend Vince McMahon To Help With Voter Intimidation
Tells head of WWE to use “any tactic necessary to keep scumbags and dead people” away from polls
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has been calling for a total smackdown at the polls on November 8th, encouraging his supporters to monitor polling sites to prevent what he calls “a high probability of widespread voter fraud in this rigged election.”
Now he’s turning up the heat on that call for vigilance, hiring Vince McMahon to coordinate a goon squad intent on unnerving even the most committed voters. McMahon, a well-known wrestling promoter and the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has been asked to dispatch his army of menacing brawlers to key battleground states, particularly to urban hot spots like Detroit, Miami and Philadelphia.
“These men are fighting professionals and are not out to hurt anybody, just illegals and unqualified voters who try to disrupt the election,” said McMahon. “I’ve know Donald for a long time and I know that all he wants is to ensure a fair contest.”
McMahon said he’s particularly eager to mobilize The Undertaker to scare off a million registered dead people who might attempt to vote as zombies. “The walking dead are very cagey,” said McMahon. “They can lull poll workers into a sense that all is well, then steal the election. But The Undertaker’s macabre maneuvers will entomb the undead once and for all.”
McMahon added that former Marine Randy Orton would show no mercy when keeping “undesirables” from voting in Detroit, while Luke Harper would wreak havoc at polling sites in Philadelphia.
Two of WWE’s senior wrestlers, John Cena and former rival Dwayne Johnson — aka The Rock, who’s coming out of retirement exclusively for this Election Day assignment — are teaming up in Miami to leg drop and body slam any retirees who try to mess with voting results in Florida.