President Trump visited Puerto Rico on Tuesday and after insulting the governor, icing out the mayor of San Juan, scolding residents for throwing his budget “out of whack,” and fishing for compliments, he lobbed rolls of paper towels into the outstretched hands of storm-stricken residents.
“These are Bounty paper towels, folks, the quicker picker upper,” barked the president. “Nothing on the market compares to it for absorbing floodwaters, so grab a roll, get out to those muddy streets, and mop up — it’s time to start helping yourselves.”
According to the White House, Mr. Trump signed a deal over the weekend with Procter & Gamble, the maker of Bounty, with an understanding that he would distribute one million rolls of the highly-absorbent paper towel in Puerto Rico while visiting the island.
Asked if it was unusual for a president to promote a commercial paper product while in office, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Look, we have a job to do down there and Bounty was willing to help us out. The president is all about results, not fussy rules or formal laws, and his Bounty contract is going to dramatically help accelerate the clean-up — that’s what really matters to the distressed, dirty residents of Puerto Rico right now.”
Ms. Sanders was asked why the president felt it was more important to put paper towels in the hands of the Puerto Rican people, rather than badly needed food, water, and medical supplies.
“I think I’ve already answered that question,” she responded curtly. “Because business is business and Bounty is very good business for the president right now.”
Ms. Sanders added that President Trump was also working on a deal with Cheetos, Doritos, and Vienna Lady Fingers, “but was not able to sign a final agreement before he arrived in Puerto Rico, so the people had to settle for canned meat.”
President Trump capped off his trip to the ravaged U.S. territory by telling one distraught resident before he left, “Have a good time.”
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