Truth In Satire

Trump Will Be First U.S. President To Have Personal Food Taster

Competitive eating champion, Joey Chestnut, has agreed to sample the president’s meals to make sure they’re safe

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Donald Trump was a judge the year Chestnut devoured 66 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes to set a new world record. “I knew even then that someday Joey’s stomach would be a part of my White House team.”

Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, winner of 55 career eating contests and renowned for having an iron stomach, was chosen by President Donald Trump today to be his official food taster.

Tasked primarily with ensuring that the president’s meals have not been poisoned or tainted with, Chestnut will also be recruiting and leading a 10-person, toxin detection team. This move comes after a Russian spy and his daughter were recently poisoned in London with a military-grade toxin.

“I saw Joey take down Kobayashi at Nathan’s hot dog eating contest in 2007, the year I was a judge, and I knew right then that if I ever needed someone to test my food for poison, Joey was my man,” said the president. “Imagine the balls on this guy, knowing that every mouthful of presidential food he eats could be his last. I love him, I call him Joesy, or Joe-boy, sometimes Joe Nosh, whatever.”

The record-breaking competitive eater will be moving from his San Jose home to Washington, D.C. next week, staying in a suite of rooms adjacent to the White House kitchen.

“I am truly honored to head up the president’s team of official toxin testers,” said Chestnut at a White House reception held in the Rose Garden, complete with an assortment of sodas and pigs-in-a-blanket. “In some ways, I feel I have been training for this job my whole life, preparing to serve my country with every hot dog and jalapeno popper I ate.”

At the behest of the president, Chestnut closed the casual reception by polishing off 200 chicken wings in eight minutes.

Since the life-threatening job is not for the faint of heart, Chestnut says he is thoroughly vetting the other nine members of his intrepid tasting team, which has been named the “Presidential Toxic Food Squad” or PTFS. He is expected to have all members of the squad in place by June 14th, the president’s birthday.

Some of the stalwart swallowers on Chestnut’s short list include: portly actor John Goodman, longtime friend of fattening food Kirstie Allie, perennial porker Kevin James, comedian Rosie O’Donnell (expendable), a son of the house cat known as “Princess Chunk,” transgender nosher Chaz Bono, and fellow eating champion Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi.

Chestnut is also talking to the hard-boiled egg world-record eater, Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, leader of the “Four Horsemen of the Esophagus,” as well as disgraced chef and celebrity fatso, Mario Batali, about joining the PTFS.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, no stranger to a full plate herself, was asked if a presidential food taster wasn’t an extravagant use of taxpayer money. “I think most people would agree that keeping the president alive is an excellent use of tax dollars and a top priority.”

Ms. Sanders was also asked if she could remember any other time in history when an American president had a personal food taster. “No, never,” she answered, “but times have changed.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

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Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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