Truth In Satire

Trump Sours On “Trade War” After Learning It Won’t Involve Tanks Or Guns

President says trade conflict with China “isn’t war-like enough” — will return to belligerent nuclear threats against North Korea

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The president was hoping a trade war might include more explosions. (Credit: variety.com)

resident Donald Trump reversed course over the weekend on an escalating trade war with China after learning the conflict doesn’t involve guns or weapons of any kind and calling it “not war-like enough.”

“I thought this was a real war, not some namby-pamby economic battle!” the president screamed at aides behind closed doors in the Oval Office, according to one White House source. “Get Mad Dog in here, we have to find a way to militarize this thing.”

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James Mattis, the Defense Secretary, has been sent in to quell President Trump’s thirst for war. (Credit: politico.com)

After learning from General James Mattis, his Secretary of Defense, that turning a trade war with China into a military conflict was inadvisable, President Trump grew angry and told advisors that he wanted to return to full-scale threats of nuclear conflict with North Korea.

“We need to show the world how strong our military is and how big a nuke button I have,” the president was quoted as saying. “Screw trade wars, we need some battles to the death where missiles are launched and lots of people blow up — that’s the kind of Hollywood action that gets huge ratings.”

President Trump’s hunger for a military engagement with China, North Korea, Mexico and a host of other nations that he has threatened in recent months has become a growing concern among members of Congress on both sides of the aisle, as well as 97% of Americans and most citizens of the world.

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Historian Michael Beschloss is warning that President Trump’s bellicosity is dangerous. (Credit: msnbc.com)

“I’ve never seen this kind of yearning for conflict from an American president,” said Michael Beschloss, a presidential historian and MSNBC political contributor. “Most responsible world leaders would want to avoid military aggression, concerned that the devastation caused by today’s powerful weapons would be irreversible. President Trump, on the other hand, seems to live in a cartoon world or video game reality, where he thinks he can wreak havoc and horrible destruction on the world, then hit the reset button and start over. This kind of thinking is delusional and very dangerous.”

High-ranking military officials have been sent to the Oval Office during the past 24 hours to play Stratego with the president, hoping the military strategy board game, which Mr. Trump loved as a child, might distract him from provoking a larger, real-world conflict. All the military men involved have been instructed to let the president win.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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