Truth In Satire

Trump Slips Again, Names His “8 Crappiest States” In Meeting With U.S. Governors

President angers many with vulgar characterizations and boorish remarks about their home states

At a meeting with top U.S. governors and city mayors the president seemed to lose his mind. Again. (Credit: youtube.com)

Fresh on the heels of describing a number of countries as being “shitholes,” President Donald Trump blurted out his “8 Crappiest States” during a meeting at the White House with the nation’s governors on Monday.

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The president exhibits extraordinary gall as he tells certain governors why their states suck. (Credit: twitter.com)

Seemingly unaware of the impact of his insults, the president informed the governors that these were the states he told his staff that he didn’t want to visit during his time in office.

He added that they were also the states from which he wants Congress to withhold federal funds earmarked for infrastructure spending, calling it “a waste of valuable tax dollars on America’s eight biggest loser states, and most of you know who you are.”

Mr. Trump’s crude appraisal of the eight states has the White House reeling, at first denying that the president ever made the controversial remarks, then saying he spoke them during a vivid daydream and was therefore not responsible, finally blaming the tasteless assertions on the administration’s fall girl, Kellyanne Conway, who the president said had recently been “mimicking me in meetings and throwing my voice.”

But the juvenile nature and crass language of the comments all point to President Trump as the author and speaker.

Here are his words, taken from a transcript of the meeting (Note: some of the president’s remarks might be offensive to young ears and sensible adults):

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“Christie is a plus-sized sloucher, and slouchers are losers and that’s why Jersey is a plus-sized crap state.” (Credit: politico.com)

“I’m not a big fan of New Jersey right now. I should have gotten a lot more support from Jersey in my historic election. I’m pretty sure I got screwed by the Obama-hugger, Corpus Christie. That right, tubbie turncoat, you were never really on my side, you know it. I loved seeing you beer-belly and backstabbing butt suck up to me when I finally became president. You thought you were going to be my attorney general, instead I sent you out for General Tso’s chicken. Fat slob. Anyway, Jersey is crap.”

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“Hey, Mitt, you walk like a penguin. Get that pole out of your ass!” (Credit: nymag.com)

“Utah is a shithouse, too. Notice I didn’t say shithole, I said shithouse. That’s a big difference. It’s a shithouse because Mitt ‘The Twit’ is from Utah. And a lot of other Mormons. Someone told me Mormons are allowed to fuck a lot of women all at once. It’s legal there. They call it polygamery, because women have nice gams. So I thought me and Utahites, or Utahians, whatever, would get along great. But when I went out there everyone was so uptight religious, the multiple-hotties-at-the-same-time law wasn’t even a turn-on. And, you know what, the polygamerist who started Mormons lived in the 1800’s. Can you believe that? Everyone knows you can’t be a real religion until a couple thousand years have passed and millions have been killed and crucified to please your god. So Mormons are basically fake religious, all of them. Romney’s fake. Look at his hair. Totally fake. So if there are any Mormons here in the room, stop fiddling with the woman sitting next to you and get out. I’m talking to you Governor Herbert.”

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“Scandinavians don’t want peaches they want to munch on herring in a sauna. Get on it, Governor Nathan Deal!” (Credit: vtimes.com.au)

Georgia is called the Peach State, am I right, Governor Deal? Okay, but you know what else I call it — the Black State. Because my staff told me that more Negro people live in Georgia than anyplace else in America! I checked, and you don’t have one Norwegian living down there. Not one. And not a Swede in sight. Hardly any Danes either. My point is that Georgia is basically an African nation on the coast of the USA, instead of a nice Scandinavian immigrant destination. And why is that, governor? Because Scandinavians don’t like peaches? No, it’s because you don’t have enough saunas, herring, and salted licorice in Georgia. Get your people to install some Northern Lights and let the Scandinavians know you’re open for business. You dumb ass.”

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“Look at New Hampshire. Everybody up there is an addict. I call it New Hempshire.” (Credit:american3rdposition.com)

“Let’s see a hand from the governor of New Hampshire. Hold it up high, sir. Okay, I’m looking for needle tracks on that forearm because we all know you’re a bunch of heroin addicts and opi-idiots in New Hampshire which is causing me a lot of headaches. We have a huge problem with drugs in America and it all started in your crap state of New Hampshire. If there was no New Hampshire, there’d be no overdosing druggies dropping dead in the streets making me look bad. It’s that simple. Listen up, Governor Junkie, we don’t have no Narcan here at the White House to save your ass, so pack up your little black bag of freak-out narcotics and follow the polygamerists out the door. And don’t shoot up in the parking lot.”

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“I bring my clubs, Roy Moore brings me here. LOSERS!” (Credit: AL.com)

“I want to say a few words about Alabama. Governor Kay Ivey, where are you? Okay, a woman. Whatever. So I know you are a red state, and we should be friends, but your people haven’t been nice to me. I suffered a horrible embarrassment because of all the child-molesting hillbillies in Alabama last month, I think you know that. My people found two things on the ballots in that special election down there: votes for the blue guy, Doug Jones, and drool. I’m guessing all that drool came from Roy Moore’s hillbillies. Maybe from black people in your state, too, but they all drooled for Jones. So Governor Ivey, I want you to move out of the governor’s plantation right now, get a man in there to replace you — preferably a relative of George Wallace’s — and let’s Make Alabama Great Again. Can we do that?”

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“New York became a dump after I left.” (Credit: reddit.com)

“A lot of people are going to be surprised when I say this, but New York turned to crap the minute I left it. It was good, then the big New York celebrities turned on me because I wouldn’t let them perform at my inauguration and now the whole state has gone to crap. And you, Governor “I’m No Mario” Cuomo, are leading the state into major crapperdom. It is so crappy in New York City right now, that I’m having Trump Tower moved, at New York taxpayer’s expense, to Florida. You’re going to have a big empty spot on your skyline now, a blank hole. A shithole for a shit city in a shit state. But Queens is still okay.”

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“Red, red, red, blue! WTF New Mexico!” (Credit: businessinsider.com)

“I’m looking at a map the other day of all the amazing red states that I won in my landslide victory over Crooked Hillary, and what do I see, ‘Blue’ Mexico sitting out there in the middle of a sea of red. I had to ask my people, why is New Mexico, sandwiched by ruby red states like Arizona and Texas, not also red? And you know what they told me. They told me that there are a lot of Mexicans living there, from Mexico, which is why they call it ‘New’ Mexico. Get it, they’re storming the border and taking over! Even you, Governor Susana MARTINEZ, are obviously a wetback river swimmer. This is all pure crap in my book. What’s next, we’re going to change the name of Montana to “New Canada” after the Canadians sneak over the border? I won’t stand for it. Get me a couple of big walls!”

“Nevada screwed me, just like Fredo screwed Michael.” (Credit: cnn.com)

“I’m so pissed at Nevada right now, I want to scream out ‘SHITHOUSE,’ but there are Democrats in the room who will tattletale. But, let me be honest, Nevada is pretty much my #1 loser state. I have spent so much time and money in Nevada building world-class Trump casinos and bordellos, that I basically turned the state into my second home…and then it goes behind my back and votes for Silly Hilly. Just like the Corleones, I was about to make Las Vegas the new center of operations for Trump International, go clean, no more illegal operations. I was ready to send my dumbass son Eric out there to pave the way, just like Michael did with Fredo. I told Ivanka to hit the strip and shake those jugs around, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and all that. Then the election happens and Nevada piano wires me in the neck like I’m some kind of Carlo Rizzi. Well, let me tell you this, Governor Sandoval—and I know that’s Hispanic, by the way—you go back to Nevada and tell your people that The Don is not happy, and the day will come when all the families of all the Hispanics in your state are going to kneel down and kiss the presidential ring. Until then, you and your state are crap to me. Not craps like the casino game, crap. C-R-A-P.

Now which of you other governors sitting here today are not prepared to swear your allegiance to me?”

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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