Truth In Satire

Trump Now Says He Wants A White House Pet, “But Not Just The Same Old Dog”

Mr. Trump asked his staff to find “an interesting animal with wow factor that will make me look more presidential”

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Kellyanne Conway offered up the idea of a “look-alike pony,” but Mr. Trump thought it might become a source of ridicule.

Every president since Dwight Eisenhower has had a pet dog or two in the White House. But Donald J. Trump isn’t like the other presidents and he doesn’t want another dog like them either.

This week the president asked those in his inner circle for suggestions on an animal companion that would stand out from all the rest. Here are some of their pet proposals:

VP Mike Pence: Is there even any debate, sir? It has to be an elephant — symbol of our party, able to crush the life out of its enemies, and it never forgets. Just like you’ll never forget a political adversary or business associate who tries to double-cross you.

General James “Mad Dog” Mattis brought Mr. Trump a Pekingese to consider. When the president realized it was a dog and not a decorative pillow, he threw it to the side.

Ivanka: Oh Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, please let’s get a hedgehog! Princess Diana had a hedgehog and they are sooo cute, and they’re easy to take care of and I’ll feed it and clean its terrarium regularly and, oh, Daddy, can it be a hedgehog? It would be so fun to pull it out of my branded clutch bag at a state dinner and…”

Don Jr.: “We could get a couple leopards, maybe a water buffalo or two. Then I could blast them out of the backyard, wouldn’t have to go all the way to Africa to shoot big game.”

Eric Trump: “An orangutan? I was only kidding, Father, no, please don’t hit me! I’m sorry. I was just trying to get your attention. You never even look at me…IT’S LIKE I DON’T EXIST!”

Chief of Staff John Kelly: “I say go with a skunk. They’re good at driving people away who you don’t like…and you don’t like anyone.”

White House Adviser Stephen Miller: “I’m thinking porcupine. So when Ryan and McConnell start pointing fingers at us, we can point a sharp quill right back. Preferably, curare tipped”

First Lady Melania Trump: “I’ve always wanted the bushy squirrel. They’re very good at breaking the nuts.”

Nat. Economic Council Director Larry Kudlow: “Has anyone suggested a truffle hog yet? If those porkers can smell tiny tubers three feet down, they can definitely sniff out a nice, big, cash generating oil reserve.”

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Transportation Secretary Elaine Cho, a Chinese-American, suggested a giant panda. Mr. Trump responded, “No way I’m going to have a Chink pet in the White House.”

AG Jeff Sessions: “Let’s get us some tar, feathers, and a hangman’s rope!” (When told none of those were pets, Mr. Sessions huffed out of the room.)

Russia’s Vladimir Putin: “Carrier pigeon. Best way to send hack-proof messages.”

HUD Secretary Ben Carson: “A biblical animal would please our Christian fundamentalist friends. Perhaps a goat, an oxen, or an ass — all were present during the birth of Jesus. Shall we go with the latter then… an ass? Or do you already have an ass in the White House?”

Energy Secretary Rick Perry: Let’s see, it should probably be a smart animal with a lot of energy. I got it, sloth … that’s it … a sloth. Who votes for sloth?

Donald Trump: “Forget it, you idiots. All dumb ideas. We’re going with a cat. Jared…get your skinny ass out there and go find me some pussy!”

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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