Truth In Satire

Trump Says Hope And Optimism “Not My Style,” Will Resume Scorched Earth Policy

After a reassuring address to Congress, president informs nation he’ll be returning to threats, insults, and insanity immediately

After nibbling on a hopeful message Tuesday night, the president quickly spit it out, saying, “That’s way too sweet for me.”

Calling his address to Congress on Tuesday night “too sane, traditional, and dull to get anyone’s heart rate racing,” President Trump announced that he’d be resuming his dismantling of democratic institutions, daily threats against allies, and attacks on the press immediately.

The president said that Carryn Owens’ tears “were good for ratings, but in the long run you can’t run a successful authoritarian government on sentimentality.”

“All that restraint and namby-pamby talk about reconciliation, that just wasn’t me, that was Jared’s nice Jewish boy stuff,” said the president. “I’m really more of a hard-edged, set the whole government on fire kind of president. That’s my comfort zone, my wheelhouse. I gotta be me.”

Republicans, moderate Democrats, and much of the American public initially expressed relief after the president’s address, hoping that a more optimistic vision for the country, focused on reaching across party lines and uniting America, might prevail in the days ahead.