Truth In Satire

Trump Says His Predatory Sexual Behavior Makes Him “Even More Presidential”

“Anybody who knows their American history will tell you the Founding Fathers loved a bit of side action, too”

Donald Trump says American presidents have been “grabbing p — sy” wherever and whenever they liked since the birth of our nation. (Credit: boingboing.net)

Bombarded with new questions about his extramarital affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, President Donald Trump grasped at a novel defense for his philandering and predatory behavior on Saturday saying “all the great presidents did it, it’s an American tradition.”

The president was speaking at a hastily called news conference just hours after he’d returned to Washington from the World Economic Forum in Davos. Mr. Trump produced a document that he said “contains proof of numerous acts of POTUS pussy grabbing, presidential pee parties, and government-sanctioned groping by America’s Founding Fathers,” including George Washington, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson.

The “historic” document that Donald Trump presented does not appear to be written on 18th Century parchment paper. (Credit: slate.com)

Several times during the 20-minute press briefing, President Trump held up the document which appeared to be printed on current White House stationery. Asked by the attending press corps if the document could be inspected, the president refused, saying the “priceless national treasure” was too fragile to be circulated.

Reading directly from the “historical” document, Mr. Trump recounted accusations directed at the man who penned the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson, as well as a number of the drafters of the American Constitution who would become future presidents.

Here are just some of the ostensible claims quoted by President Trump:

“Thomas Jefferson invited Cecily Van Buren, the wife of Conrad, an uncle of future president Martin Van Buren, to Monticello, at which time he moved on her ‘like a tomcat on a full moon.’ Cecily spurned Jefferson’s advances and ran from the guest parlor with her ‘petticoat and bodice askew.’ Confronted weeks later by Mr. Van Buren, Jefferson stated that Cecily had stuffed freshly picked cotton bolls into the lace of her bodice and the ‘false swell of her breasts made of me a frenzied hound on a fox scent.”

“Everybody knows Franklin was a huge pussy hound, went all the way to France to get some,” Mr. Trump told reporters on Saturday. (Credit: http://thehistoryjunkie.com)

“While attending a diplomatic meeting in Versailles, Benjamin Franklin surreptitiously cast his eyes on the exposed legs of Miss Polly Pringle as she bathed. He later commented to his footman Laurence Rospier, ‘Oh, those long, lithe limbs — all I can see in my mind’s eye is that denuded thoroughbred.’ To which Rospier replied, ‘Yes! The Ben is going to succeed in his seduction!’ Mr. Franklin then took a drop of oil of peppermint on his tongue and told the footman, ‘This is just in case I kiss her. You know, I’m drawn hopelessly to beautiful — I just start kissing, I can barely restrain myself. And when you’re a Founding Father, they let you do that. You can do anything, including fornication.”

“Mrs. Laura Martin of Concord, MA, stated that John Adams made an ‘unwelcome thrust at her honey pot’ whilst visiting the shop of furniture maker, Morris Glendale. Mr. Adams later denied the claim calling it ‘untruthful reporting.’”

“James Madison was no saint, I can tell you that,” said President Trump. (Credit: wikipedia.com)

“While his wife, Dolly, was pregnant with their first child, James Madison took up with notorious harlot, Tempest Smith, a voluptuous woman who hung around his Virginia croquet club. When Dolly was informed of her husband’s dalliance, she refused to accompany him on a major diplomatic mission to the great monarchies of Europe where he was scheduled to discuss globalization and economics.”

Mr. Trump then went on to recite a vulgar story that he claimed was “well-known among presidential historians” about George Washington removing his wooden teeth so he could “better engage the ‘dewy mound’ of his cook’s daughter,” a 14-year-old ingénue by the name of Betsy Logan. According to President Trump’s retelling, General Washington later bought the silence of Ms. Logan and her family with today’s equivalent of about $130,000 in Continental currency.

After reading parts of the document purported to be from the historical archives of the Library of Congress, a smug and seemingly vindicated Mr. Trump asserted that “even if true, the fake news about my affair with Stormy Daniels would merely show that I am following in the footsteps of the famous founders and that I should be congratulated by the phony media, not given shit for it.”

The president inaccurately stated that Colonel Sanders appears on U.S. currency. (Credit: businessinsider.com)

Before concluding his remarks, the president said, “this document should prove beyond a doubt that Alexander Hamilton, Ulysses Grant, Colonel Sanders and other great American white men who appear on our money were also after as much cooch as they could get their powerful patriotic hands on.”

President Trump then left the podium without taking questions after suggesting that his lawyers might share more of the document “if this plays well on TV.”

It is not known what impact the “discovery” of this alleged historical document might have on suppressing criticism of the president’s lewd and undignified behavior, but one source in the First Lady’s office, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Melania’s not buying it.”

*****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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