Truth In Satire

Trump Says He Was Talking About Nuking Leftovers, Not Foreign Enemies

President-elect insists challenge to Putin was about microwave cook-off, never a nuclear arms race

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A few billion people were on tenterhooks last week as these two men made casual “nuke” references.

he entire world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as two major superpowers, the United States and Russia, stepped back from provocative statements made last week suggesting they were prepared for a build-up of atomic weapons.

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Mr. Putin said that the MikroPech 9000 can nuke cold borscht to 120º in 30 seconds, a time Mr. Trump admitted was “damn fast, but let’s see what it can do with day-old pasta.”

In what was almost a catastrophic misunderstanding, President Donald Trump said his exchange with Vladimir Putin was “always about nuking food, never about making weapons,” and was meant as a friendly microwave cook-off challenge with the Russian leader.

“This whole nuke thing got out of hand and it’s my fault,” said Mr. Trump, during a hastily called news conference Monday morning. “I am so, so sorry if anyone was inadvertently frightened by my remarks.”

When told that governments around the world were deeply alarmed by his recent comments and tweets, construed as a sign of America’s willingness to reenter a cold war-era nuclear arms race with Russia, the president stated emphatically, “I would never initiate or support a proliferation of nuclear weapons. Never. That would be totally insane and irresponsible.”

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Mr. Trump said that the “nuking” controversy started with a phone call to Mr. Putin that lead to a “spirited chinwag” about their countries’ rival microwave manufacturers.

President Trump insisted the entire misunderstanding started because he told Mr. Putin on a recent phone call that General Electric made the best microwave ovens — his way of promoting the U.S. industrial firm. The Russian leader responded by saying his country’s manufacturing leader, MikroPech, made a superior oven.

“Next thing you know I tell Vlad we should get together to ‘nuke’ our holiday leftovers, see which microwave — the GE or the MikroPech — does a quicker job of warming up yesterday’s turkey or ham. That’s when the whole thing got blown out of proportion.”

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Former GE CEO Jeff Immelt and Anna Dosovich of MikroPech issued a joint statement saying there are no plans for a nuke-off competition between the two company’s microwave ovens.

“I was excited about putting a great American company’s microwave ovens in the spotlight, nothing more, and I believe my friend Vladimir had the same intentions with MikroPech,” added Mr. Trump, “Ultimately, we’re just two businessmen betting on our country’s industrial brands to lead in the consumer products marketplace. So of course I was devastated when I learned that our harmless banter scared so many people.”

GE and MikroPech issued a joint statement saying that they had nothing to do with the controversy, that their microwave ovens are neither weapons nor are they dangerous, and that they have not been asked by their respective governments to develop microwave laser guns as several unreliable “fake news” sites have reported.

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Thanks for reading. — AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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