President Trump appeared on “Fox & Friends” Friday morning and, while he acknowledged that he did not tape conversations between himself and James Comey, the former head of the FBI, he claims he does possess other incriminating tapes.
The president said that he has a library of more than 30 salacious videotapes that he will “gladly use to blackmail important people, many of them celebrities, some of them my friends,” if they do not start saying nicer things about him, especially in TV interviews.
“I don’t want to use these very revealing videos because they would be horribly damaging, honestly, very damaging to a lot of people,” said the president, speaking to a Fox interviewer. “But when people are mean and say lies about me to undermine my agenda, they really leave me no choice.”
Asked to reveal the nature of the videotapes in his possession, which he said were secretly recorded, Mr. Trump did not hesitate to identify the players and their actions:
“So I have this great 10-minute video of Stephen Colbert jerking off to old photos of Jane Fonda in a bathroom stall at the Ed Sullivan theater. Mike Flynn got them for me right before he left the NSA. The images are very clear, very good stuff. Colbert should be worried.”
“Then there’s the one of Chelsea Handler, that bitch. She thinks she’s so raunchy, so outrageous, right? But I got footage of her reading a schmaltzy Nicholas Sparks romance novel in bed. And crying! I release this and her career is over.”
“Ready for this next one, Fox & Friends? I have the only tape in existence of Monica Lewinsky taking a drag on Bill’s curled cucumber. You heard me correctly. No one even knows this tape exists, but I got it off a White House security camera from a former guard who loved my show, The Apprentice. I was going to slam Hillary with it during the campaign but turns out I didn’t need to once the Russians got involved. Still, I’d love to put this blowjob tape out there. You know, that Lewinsky, she was kind of hot, gotta give Bill some credit for that one.”
“Bill Maher does stuff with his penis I wouldn’t even try with Stephen Miller’s robotic dick. And I have the video to prove it — some crazy ass footage that Mike Pompeo dug up over at the CIA. I don’t want to give it away, but here are a few hints: Maher, lingerie, a martini shaker, soft-shell crabs, and lots and lots of lemon meringue. Get the picture?”
“One of my best is a 3-minute segment featuring that man-in-drag, Kathy Griffin, holding the severed head of Anderson Cooper. I don’t mean the head he has on his shoulders, I’m talking about the one he keeps between his legs. And I’ll say this for that silver-haired sperm gargler, he’s equipped with quite the fudge packer.”
“Everyone knows how much I can’t stand fatso Rosie O’Donnell. Well I have an incredible tape of that lesbo blob running around naked and drunk, falling into a tub of Jello at Madonna’s house in 1994. But the best part is she then starts screaming, ‘I can’t swim! I can’t swim!’ and someone off camera says, ‘Just eat your way out.’ I fucking love that one.”
“When your audience sees what I got on Jon Stewart, everyone’s going ask, ‘How does that Isaac Goldberg have the balls to criticize a great American president like Donald Trump?’ Well, don’t worry, because that unfunny snipcock is chopped liver on toast when I post this video. Just picture that shnozzle lying bare-assed in a strip club with two transsexuals, the first shoving a stiff one into Stewart’s left ear, the other one cramming his-her joystick into the other ear, while the matza-gobbler is singing ‘Hava Nagila.’ I swear to God, it’s hilarious …and disgraceful all at once. But mostly hilarious.”
“Okay, this is the last one I’m going to share on Fox & Friends this morning, but I saved the best for last. Who does yours truly hate more than anyone else on the planet…and who did I swear revenge upon not so many years ago? Not Barack Hussein Obama. Not Hillary Clinton. Not even Alec Baldwin. I’m talking about that mother-fucking Scotsman who wouldn’t sell me his goddamn shitty farmland for my world-class golf course — Michael Forbes. That kiltbilly thinks he got the last laugh, but he never counted on going against the President of the Fucking United States with a huge intelligence operation working for me. And they handed me a videotape of that sheep-shagger doing exactly that — shagging sheep! And not just any sheep, the ones that hadn’t been sheared yet, so all his country porridge is spilling into the wool and getting everything filthy and loaded with STDs. It’s totally gross. I can assure Groundskeeper Willie that when the world sees this videotape, NO ONE WILL EVER BUY A WOOL SWEATER FROM HIM AGAIN! Fuck you, Mr. Forbes!”
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