Truth In Satire

Trump Says 2000 Kids Held At Border “Are U.S. Property Now And Should Be Put To Work”

President suggests children separated from parents at Mexico border “could be used like little canaries for our coal mines”

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Some of the 2000 children held at the U.S.-Mexico border saying goodbye to their parents. (Credit:

ore than 2000 children separated from their parents by government officials at the border in the past six weeks and held in immigrant detention centers are “U.S. property now” said President Trump during a freewheeling session with reporters at the White House on Saturday.

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These children were being rounded up for transport to West Virginia where they’ll be used as canaries in coal mines, a potentially fatal scheme. (Credit:

“They’re ours to do with as we please now,” said the president, seemingly unmoved by calls from immigrant groups and Democrats in Congress to immediately reunite the young children with their families. “That’s what you get when you try to cross America’s border. It’s not going to happen on my watch. We’ll catch you and lock you up. And we’re protected by the Bible. Jeff Sessions assures me we’re just doing what God said to do with little illegal kids.”

Mr. Trump was referring to the attorney general of the United States, who is a Christian Conservative and fond of twisting Bible quotations for his own fiendish purposes.

Asked about the fate of the Mexican and Central American minors in custody , Mr. Trump was blunt, “I’d like to see them used in our newly opened coal mines, kind of like canaries. Or they could do a little digging, whatever. They should work if we’re going to feed and house them, right? And, by the way, I opened up the coal mines again, very big deal. That’s something the fake news media isn’t reporting.”

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This little boy, age 4, told border agents he didn’t want to become a canary, but instead preferred to stay with his father. (Credit:

It is unclear how quickly the children could be transported to coal mining operations in states like West Virginia and Kentucky but the Trump administration would like to see it happen quickly.

“They’ve been fed and are ready to go,” said one border agent, speaking off the record. “We just gotta pry some of these kids off the legs of their parents. I swear, those little Mexican niños have a hell of a grip.”


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