Truth In Satire

Trump Reaches Out To Al Haig To Fill Key Vacancy, Then Finds Out He’s Dead

Running out of candidates, President discusses cabinet posts with Donald Rumsfeld, Al D’Amato, and other deceased or nearly deceased Republicans

Saying he remembered him as a pretty good guy, President Donald Trump reached out to Alexander Haig on Thursday to discuss a vacancy in his administration, only to find out that the former Secretary of State died in 2010.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” said Mr. Trump. “I remember Haig as a real take charge kind of guy. I could use someone like that in the White House right now. Anyway, condolences to the family.”

President Trump has been faced with increased difficulty finding qualified individuals to fill key positions in his administration, as few want to risk their reputations working in his chaotic, scandal ridden government. According to several White House insiders, the dearth of experienced candidates has forced the president to look backwards instead of forwards.

Asked about reports that he’s already had discussions with geriatrics Donald Rumsfeld, Al D’Amato, and Alan Simpson — all former politicians now in their 80's — the president said, “I told the American people that I would hire only the best. These men are not only hugely capable and experienced, I mean hugely, they are also part of the Greatest Generation. And I don’t think you can get any greater than that.”

One former senator who the president reached out to about a vacant administration post was Bob Dole, who is now 94-years-old and wheelchair-bound. President Trump was asked if Mr. Dole had the energy and desire to assume a high-level government position at his age, to which the president replied, “First of all, I don’t age discriminate, I only body shame. Secondly, Theodore Roosevelt was also in a wheelchair and he bravely carried our country through WWII. No question, Bob Dole would do an amazing job.” (Note: The president was thinking of Franklin D. Roosevelt, not Teddy.)

Some critics of the president say that he is also stacking his administration with older, weaker men because of his fragile ego and need to seem powerful and in control.

Asked to comment, White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “That’s absolutely absurd. The president has great respect for these men and believes that they are at the top of their games. He was just telling several elder Republican statesmen yesterday that they could expect elaborate state funerals if any of them were to die while serving in his administration. I think that’s a pretty powerful vote of confidence for their legacies of service.”


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

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Thank you.


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