Trump Picks Fossilized Cable TV Talking Head To Become His Top Economic Advisor
President says he’ll be hiring “only the very best TV personalities and good-looking celebrities to fill future White House vacancies”
Saying that he is finally surrounding himself with the kind of like-minded advisors he truly wants, President Donald Trump offered the job of director of the National Economic Council to Larry Kudlow, a fossilized business commentator on CNBC.
Mr. Kudlow takes over the job from Gary Cohn, a former Goldman Sachs CEO and someone who actually understands the economy. Mr. Cohn resigned last week in an apparent protest of President Trump’s tariff’s on steel and aluminum which threaten to start an international trade war.
The conservative Mr. Kudlow has been a longtime friend and obsequious flatterer of the president’s, and also served as the head of The Apprentice fan club, a reality TV show which starred Donald Trump.
“Larry is a great guy, really knows how to get TV ratings, and will be a fantastic addition to my team of only the best and brightest,” Mr. Trump said on Thursday. “I can’t wait to hear his thoughts on how great my tax plan is and how we can raise tons of money for my 2020 presidential campaign.”
In addition to the appointment of Mr. Kudlow, the president floated other names under consideration for open positions in his government, most of whom appear to be uninformed and inexperienced TV personalities. They include:
Sylvester Stallone, the hard-punching, marble-mouthed star of the Rocky films, to replace H.R. McMaster as National Security Advisor after he’s fired any moment now.
Ryan Seacrest, host of American Idol and accused sexual abuser, to take over Hope Hicks’ role as sexy White House Communications Director.
Claire Danes, actress on Homeland, to assume the helm at the Central Intelligence Agency left open after the departure of Mike Pompeo.
Al Roker, Today Show meteorologist, to head the U.S. National Weather Service.
Patrick Dempsey, a neurosurgeon on Grey’s Anatomy, to replace actual neurosurgeon and furniture fancier Ben Carson as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Mr. Dempsey may also step into the role of Jared Kushner should he be expelled from Mr. Trump’s inner circle…and family.
C-3PO, a popular humanoid robot from the Star Wars films, to fill in for Russian cyborg and psychotic White House speechwriter Stephen Miller as soon as he gets fired via tweet.
President Trump added that he is most excited about bringing on Randy Quaid, who he loved as the brave hee-haw pilot in the 1996 blockbuster Independence Day, to head up NASA.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.