Truth In Satire

Trump Picks Bolton, Popular Singer Songwriter, As National Security Adviser

Mr. Bolton will replace H.R. McMaster, whose off-key singing voice offended the president, as his top foreign policy aide

President Donald Trump was so moved by a rendition of “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?” that Mr. Bolton sang in the Oval Office on Thursday, he decided to install the soulful crooner as his new National Security Adviser.

“I wanted someone with exactly those kinds of pipes to sing my praises to our enemies and allies,” said Mr. Trump, when asked about his unusual choice for the key administration role. “I also trust Bolton to keep harmony here in the White House.”

Mr. Bolton has no known diplomatic or foreign policy experience, but he is internationally well-known, having sold more than 75 million records in his singing career, with two number-one singles and a pair of Grammy Awards to his credit.

Detractors have accused Mr. Bolton of being a hard-line conservative with hawkish views and an eagerness to apply military solutions to foreign policy challenges. But the performer vehemently denies this: “No way, man. If you know my music, you know I’m very chill, mostly pop rock ballads and jazzy blues numbers. I’m all about love, not war.”

The news of Mr. Bolton’s strong dislike for warmongering may come as a surprise to President Trump, who seemed determined to find someone with his own confrontational foreign policy approach to become his third national security adviser in his 14 months in office.

“There are different ways to get people to bend over and take it, and Bolton knows all the ins and outs of that,” said the president in response to his critics. “I’ve seen women at his concerts swoon the second he opens his mouth. They’re putty in his hands. Bolton’s like me — irresistible. So, together, we’re going to charm the entire world…and then rape the pants off it.”

On a related note, Billboard Magazine, the nation’s most influential music industry publication, called the choice of Mr. Bolton to lead Mr. Trump’s national security team, “the most bizarre entertainment story we’ve covered in our 134-year history. What the f**k is happening to America?!”


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