Truth In Satire

Trump Outlines Plan For Making America Grate On The Rest Of The World Again

If allies and enemies thought the U.S. was annoying last year, president’s Davos speech sets stage for a new level of irritation in 2018

“Because of me, America is on the road to greatness again and the rest of you people are eating our shorts.” (Credit:

Thanks to Donald Trump, America really got under the world’s skin in 2017, but according to a speech he gave at the World Economic Forum in Davos on Friday, you ain’t seen nothing yet.

In 2018, Mr. Trump plans to be the stone in the shoe of every country he hasn’t already alienated, insulted, annoyed, driven a wedge between, or cut off.

“America is open for business,” the president said during his remarks, “provided, one, that you make a substantial contribution to my reelection campaign, two, that the business you’re in does not compete with any of my family’s enterprises, and, three, that you’re not from some shithole country.”

At one point, Mr. Trump and PM Netanyahu of Israel were positioned so Davos attendees could knock them down like bowling pins. (Credit: the

The president, pointing to a delegation from several African nations, then said to gasps from the audience, “Listen, no one loves the blacks more than Donald J. Trump, but honestly we have more than enough of you people in America already. Now if you discover some gold deposits or diamonds under your huts, then we can talk.”

Mr. Trump also reiterated his frequent comments about foreign trade deals needing to be renegotiated, “because America gets fucked in the ass with almost every deal. You name it — Nafta, TPP, the Iran deal — everyone of them is terrible and leaves our country begging for the KY jelly. I want better deals, ones where America gets to bend other countries over for once.”

The president looking down his nose at Davos yesterday. (Credit:

The president was actually booed at one point during his Davos speech when he called attendees from various media outlets, “mean, nasty, vicious, fake, and mostly fat and ugly, too.” Drawing a chorus of catcalls, the president appeared ready to moon the audience from the stage when the moderator stopped him with a firm, “NO, SIR!”

President Trump finished his remarks by saying that his nuclear threats were “a great way to keep the world on the edge of its seat in 2017, but now I’m looking for new ways to be an obnoxious global power player while gaining the kind of respect that Russia has always enjoyed in the world.”


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