President Donald Trump acknowledged on Thursday that his frequent threats to use his nuclear arsenal against North Korea, and settle grievances with other adversarial nations using military action, were just ploys to generate excitement for a new disaster movie that he has been working on with well-known film director, M. Night Shyamalan.
“I want to apologize if my nuclear taunts toward Kim Jong-Un, both via Twitter and during my address to the UN General Assembly last fall, caused any alarm,” said the president. “I only intended to stir up prerelease excitement for the summer opening of our big blockbuster. Maybe I took it too far.”
The global annihilation film, tentatively titled “Planet Earth Down!” is set to star Sylvester Stallone as the barely intelligible President Daniel J. Trampet, the insane leader of the free world who becomes president by an unfortunate twist of fate and then provokes a nuclear war to prove he is a legitimate head of state and a tough guy who must be taken seriously.
The film co-stars Stephen Baldwin as President Trampet’s evangelical vice-president, Jon Voight as the arrogant head of Trampet’s military, Scott Baio as his Chief of Staff and cowering yes-man, and a scantily-clad Ivanka Trump as a presidential plaything who insists that the vane President Trampet exhibit some playground swagger by flaunting the size of his nuclear arsenal.
In the statement issued Thursday, President Trump mentioned that he is both a producer on the film as well as a “live action” consultant. Son Donald Jr. is named as a co-producer and on-set agitator, while Eric Trump has been managing the craft food truck for the movie crew.
Mr. Trump said that he chose Mr. Shymalan as his director because “he has a ton of experience making films with supernatural plots and surprise endings, and, boy, does this film have a shocking twist at the end. Audiences are going to love it! We’re talking record-breaking box office here.”
Across the globe, millions are breathing a collective sigh of relief as they realize that President Trump’s constant threat of using nuclear weapons and destroying the world was just a promotional stunt that is more likely to end in a credit roll than calamity.
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