Trump Names Cheating 3rd Wife Of Newt Gingrich As Vatican Ambassador

“That face oughta put the fear of God into the Pope,” says president

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AAAAAAHHH! (Credit: Lipstickalley.com)

Before leaving on an nine-day overseas diplomatic trip, President Donald Trump chose someone with a more adulterous history than his own to represent the United States at the Vatican.

Callista Gingrich, the wife of former philandering House speaker, Newt Gingrich, will become America’s ambassador to the Holy See.

Mrs. Gingrich, who insisted that her husband convert to Catholicism in 2009 before they were married, citing her “extreme devotion to the church and all is stands for,” is probably best known for the illicit affair she had with the congressman that led to the break-up of his second marriage.

As a devout Catholic, Ms. Gingrich gives much time to her church — Washington’s Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception — where she is a choir member and goes to confession daily.

“The president has made a wise choice in picking Callista as America’s representative in Rome,” said Father Winsom Malarken. “As one of our congregation’s most prolific sinners, she’ll be a wonderful stand-in for the president himself.”

Mr. Trump cited Mrs. Gingrich’s wisdom as one of the reasons he chose her for the Vatican post. “Have you ever seen that hilarious photo of Callista next to the owl? Holy shit, they could be the Wise Potato Chip twins!”

Another reason President Trump gave for the appointment of Mrs. Gingrich was her unusual hairstyle. “Honestly, I thought it would be funny to give Pope Francis a scare with that hair. One look at Callista and he’ll jump out a window onto St. Peter’s Square. Christ, her hairdo makes a Roman centurion’s helmet look comfortable.”

Mr. Trump was apparently also eager to ship Newt Gingrich off to Rome along with his wife. “Number one douche bag in Washington,” the president said of Mr. Gingrich. “If I have to listen to that pompous bag of farts yammering on about his moon base again, I might upchuck a taco. Let tubby and the snowy owl be the pontiff’s problem from now on, good riddance.”

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