Truth In Satire

Trump May Be Involved In 1956 Lemonade Stand Scandal, Mueller Investigation Finds

Special counsel’s office has also discovered irregularities in tax filings for a newspaper route president had in 1958

“Once a cheat, always a cheat,” appears to be Donald Trump’s lifelong motto in both business and politics.

New revelations from special counsel Robert Mueller’s office suggest that a 10-year-old Donnie Trump might have avoided paying taxes on $12,000 he earned at a lemonade stand over four months in the summer of 1956.

The probe also learned that Mr. Trump’s lemonade was watered down to include only 10% lemon juice and was exorbitantly priced at 25 cents a cup when other children in his Queens, NY neighborhood were only charging 10 cents per glass of cold refreshment.

“Donnie’s lemonade was always warm, weak, and watery, but he got 25 cents by bullying other kids and even their parents into buying his swill,” said Louise Marks, a former neighbor of Donald Trump in his family’s old New York neighborhood. “Donnie told everyone that his father would have them evicted from their homes if they didn’t buy his diluted crap. We were scared, so what could we do?”

The Mueller investigation is also looking into the possibility that as a 12-year-old the president had a profitable paper route and failed to pay taxes on the proceeds.

“We see a pattern here by Donald Trump of tax evasion starting as early as age ten and continuing until present day,” said Lucas McCallum, one of the lead prosecutors in Mr. Mueller’s office. “There is also suspicion that he embezzled several thousand dollars from a landscaping business he started with some friends at age 14 and possibly hid $4000 from the government in a car washing scam he pulled at age 15.”

Susan Lawrence, another one of Mr. Mueller’s top investigators, added, “There’s no question that the president was industrious when he was young, but he always had some sort of swindle going on with every venture he launched. The word got around fast in Queens that he was not to be trusted, but Mr. Trump always found some other sucker to cheat.”

The surprising announcement that the Mueller investigation is reaching far back into his childhood to uncover any irregularities in the president’s business dealings suggests that the probe could extend well into 2018 and possibly 2019.

The White House issued a brief statement in response to the new revelations: “No matter how far back Mr. Mueller’s team wants to go, the allegations that Donald Trump stole hundreds of pieces of Halloween candy from other kids in his Queens neighborhood when he was 7-years-old, only to sell them on the black market in disadvantaged neighborhoods of New York City, will never be proven true. Most of the other children involved are dead by now, so they won’t be able to talk. As we’ve said before, this continues to be the greatest WITCH HUNT ever perpetrated against a sitting president. Mr. Trump wants this Mueller investigation nonsense to stop immediately, so he can get on with Making America Great Again. ALSO, NO COLLUSION!”


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