Truth In Satire

Trump Makes Final “Jeopardy!” Appearance Before Taking Office

President-elect drops in for one last game on favorite quiz show days before putting entire country in double, even triple jeopardy

President-Elect Donald J. Trump has made over 40 appearances on Jeopardy! since the syndicated program first aired in 1984.

Last week, Mr. Trump taped his 43rd and final appearance on America’s Favorite Quiz Show before assuming the presidency. For security reasons, he was the only contestant on the Jeopardy! panel, which only nominally improved his chances of winning despite hints from long-time host Alex Trebek.

Here’s a portion of the transcript of the show, set to air Monday:

Alex Trebek: Mr. President-Elect, so honored to have you with us today. Without further ado, here are your six categories: Famous Presidents, Women’s Parts, Irrevocable Treaties, Name That U.S. State, Russia, and finally, Greatest Golfers. Mr. Trump…let’s play Jeopardy!

Donald J. Trump: Thank you, Alex, I’ll take Greatest Golfers for $200.

AT: The answer is, He won the 1948 Masters Tournament as the 12th wearer of the Green Jacket.

DJT: Claude Harmon.

AT: Form of a question, please.

DJT: Who was Claude Harmon?

AT: Correct, sir. Choose again.

DJT: Greatest Golfers for $1000.

AT: Ah, showing confidence here…okay. She took the U.S. Women’s Amateur Championship in 1938 after being twice runner-up.

DJR: Who was Patty Berg?

AT: That is right! Wow, you know your golf. Now let’s mix it up.

DJT: Let’s see, okay, I’ll take Women’s Parts for $200.

AT: And the answer is, This is grabbable, but only with permission.

DJT: Uh, not sure …maybe, the breasts…no, wait, the pussy.

AT: Don’t forget, form of a question.

DJT: Sorry…What is the pussy?

AT: YES! Well done. You’re learning. Go again.

DJT: Let me have Famous Presidents for $400.

AT: And the answer is, Known for his honesty, he lead the nation through the American Civil War.

DJT: Who was Daniel Day Lewis?

AT: That was in the movie version, this is Famous real Presidents.

DJT: Hmm…no idea. Let’s skip to Russia for $600.

AT: After the fall of communism in 1990, Vladimir Putin became an adviser to this liberal politician in Leningrad.

DJT: Who was Anatoly Sobchak?

AT: That’s right! An obscure one, too. Pick again, sir.

DJT: Let’s stay with Russia for $800.

AT: He was the third Romanov Emperor, known as The Peacemaker.

DJT: Who was weakling Alexander III, reigned from March 13, 1881 to November 1, 1894?

AT: Oh, goodness, correct … and with dates, too. You certainly know your Russian history, sir. Ready for a U.S.-based question?

DJT: Not really… but, okay, I’ll take Name That U.S. State for $400.

AT: The answer is, Famous for growing oranges, this state also hosts the entertainment destination, Disneyworld.

DJT: Oh, I know that one. I have an estate there…oh, damn…

AT: Quickly sir, before the buzzer sounds…its capital is Tallahassee…

DJT: Oh, jeez…uh…What is Georgia?

AT: Oooh, no, so sorry. What is Florida…Florida.

DJT: Shit…I knew that…Georgia is peaches anyway.

AT: Okay, sir, no worries, you’re still well in the lead. Let’s jump right to the Final Jeopardy round, shall we?

DJT: Let’s do this, bring it on.

AT: Here we go. The Final Jeopardy category is, Notable American Women…

DJT: Whoa, Alex…not a favorite category of mine, let’s change that up…

AT: No sir, I’m sorry but the Final Jeopardy category will remain, Notable American Women. Enter your wager and we’ll be right back for the Final Jeopardy clue after these brief messages.

(During the station break, President-Elect Trump calls in son-in-law Jared Kushner to ask if he knows any notable American women. Kushner lists all the American suffragettes before the commercial break ends.)

AT: We’re back…the president-elect has recorded his final wager amount and here’s the Final Jeopardy answer…During WWII, this fearless first lady stood by her husband even when he couldn’t. You’ll have 30 seconds to record your answer.

(Donald Trump looks exasperated, glances over at Kushner and his Secret Service detail. Daughter Ivanka bares her front teeth and parodies an overbite. The president-elect has no idea what she’s trying to communicate).

AT: Time’s up. Let’s see what you’ve written…Okay, first you wrote Who was Mrs. Stalin?, which you crossed off, then Who is Melania?, which is also x-ed out, and you finished with Who is Nasty Woman? No, I’m sorry none of those is correct, we were looking for Eleanor Roosevelt, wife of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. FDR.

DJT: No way, Alex, question was not clear. It was rigged. Rigged quiz show.

AT: Sir, I’m sorry, the question was quite clear. Now, let’s see what you wagered?

DJT: Fuck my wager. I wagered that Monty Hall was a better game show host than you’ll ever be, alright, you stupid Canucklehead!

(The president-elect then stormed off the set, returned to his motorcade, and from his limousine tweeted, “Jeopardy once good show, now sucks. Alex Trebek, cheater. Sad. Send that puckhead back to moosefucking Canada!”)

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