Truth In Satire

Trump In Talks To Hand Over First Lady As Russian Spy In Exchange For Clemency

President Trump has told special counsel Mueller he’s prepared to snitch on wife, kids, even his hairdresser to avoid indictment

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“Yeah, baby, I love you, but I’m still going to rat you out to save my own butt.” (Credit:

With the threat of a presidential indictment now at his doorstep, it appears that Donald Trump will stop at nothing to avoid being arrested, prosecuted, impeached, possibly even imprisoned, and that includes snitching on his entire family.

With the news on Friday that Michael Flynn, the president’s disgraced national security adviser, has admitted to lying to the F.B.I and is cooperating with Robert Mueller’s office, it seems only a matter of days before the special counsel’s unerring ax falls on the Oval Office.

That has prompted President Trump to contact Mr. Mueller directly in hopes that he can give up a family member or two in exchange for clemency.

The president has reportedly already told the special counsel that he would be willing to hand over the First Lady along with proof that she is in Putin’s pocket. Mr. Trump is apparently in possession of a copy of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina belonging to his wife that contains the inscription, “M, see page 168 for instructions,” signed by Mr. Putin. This sounds incriminating.

President Trump has also indicated that his oldest son, Donald Jr., is expendable, although he says he’d rather betray his other mentally-impaired son, Eric.

And the list goes on.

Mr. Trump has offered to help nail Paul Manafort’s coffin shut by providing evidence that he not only failed to report his political work for the Turkish government, but sneaked plush Turkish towels into the U.S. illegally and resold them on Ebay at exorbitant prices.

The president is also willing to throw Jared Kushner under the bus, something many political observers thought he’d be reluctant to do because Kushner is married to his daughter. But this is Donald Trump and he’ll stab anyone in the back if it offers a way for him to cover his own ass.

Mueller’s prosecutors have also questioned the president about inculpatory evidence he might have on the barefoot Kellyanne Conway, the Russian cyborg Stephen Miller, and pustule-seeping Steven Bannon. Mueller’s team believes that they must all be guilty of something because they just look so damn guilty.

It is not known whether federal prosecutors are seriously considering the president’s offer of multiple scalps in exchange for leniency, but they have made it crystal clear that the prospect of seeing Don Jr. squirm is extremely compelling.

A decision is expected by Mueller’s team on the president’s snitch-for-sanctuary proposal before the end of the year.


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