Truth In Satire

Trump Hits Slopes In Davos, Then Says He’ll Ski For USA At Winter Olympics

President claims that he and he alone can bring home gold in downhill skiing events at next month’s Olympic Games

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President Trump says he’ll go for the gold in South Korea, big gut and all. (Credit: galoremag.com)

pon his arrival at Davos, Switzerland on Thursday for the World Economic Forum, President Donald Trump immediately proceeded to the slopes to take some practice runs.

He then announced that he would ski for the USA next month at the Olympic Games in PyeongChang, South Korea, stunning the gathering of world leaders and prominent businesspeople.

“I and I alone am capable of bringing home the gold for America at the 2018 Winter Olympics,” claimed the president. “I will defeat all the other shithole countries on the slopes, especially the Rocket Man’s kimchi skiers, as I have the biggest poles.”

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Six-time Olympic medalist Bode Miller says that Donald Trump “looks more like a sumo wrestler than a skier, but I haven’t seen him on the slopes yet.” (Credit: insidethegames.com)

Asked how he expected to compete with athletes 50 years younger who have spent years in intensive training to prepare for these games, Mr. Trump said, “I have the best genes, the most incredible genes in the world and, maybe you didn’t hear, the White House doctor just called me the fittest president in American history.”

Skiing analysts who were asked about the likelihood of Mr. Trump being a formidable contender against world-class skiers in the Olympic downhill events scoffed at the idea.

“He’s extremely fat,” said one. “The wind resistance alone would dramatically reduce his downhill descent.”

“This is a joke, right?” asked another. “He’s not an athlete, he’s a slothful couch potato.”

“I don’t care how good his genes are, he’ll be nothing but a heap of broken bones and orange offal by the time he gets 10-feet out of the starting gate,” remarked a third.

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Donald Trump told friends recently that he thought he was in the best shape of his life. (Credit: cnn.com)

Some are speculating that the president’s insistence on joining the U.S. Ski Team in PyeongChang is merely a ploy to remain out of the country for several weeks to avoid questioning by special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigative team, just as it is closing in on him.

But the White House insists that is not the case.

“We have been saying for months that President Trump is going to ski for the U.S. Olympic Team next month, you people just haven’t been listening,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders on Wednesday. “After he got his physical last week, we said again that this was primarily to clear him for participation in the games, remember?”

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders insists that she told reporters months ago that the president would be competing in the Olympics. (Credit: thegrio.com)

Ms. Huckabee Sanders added that after the president wins gold, he will probably remain overseas for several more weeks, touring Southeast Asia to do the talk show circuit and speak about his skiing dominance.

“He may even choose to live outside of the U.S. for a period of time to allow lesser nations to take in the magnificence of his gold medals and appreciate how great America is again, all thanks to President Trump.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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