Got A Trump Headache? Oldest Pharmacy In England Offers A Few Potent Cures
UK apothecary shop thinks it knows what ails Americans and has just the right tonic for chronic “Moron Malady”
In the northern English city of Knaresborough stands the oldest apothecary shop in the UK, a quaint, low-ceiling place where they’ve been mixing medicinals for whatever ails the common man since 1720.
Fifty years before America established itself as a nation this venerable chemist’s shop was selling its therapeutic remedies. With that kind of healing history, it’s the perfect place to search for a cure for a scourge that has struck millions in the United States over the past year-and-a-half — a persistent ailment called “Moron Malady.”
The symptoms of Moron Malady are all too familiar to many Americans and include: outrage, indignation, utter disbelief, spontaneous cringing, an urge to flee the country, daily nervous breakdowns, a frustrating feeling of futility, unconstrained loathing, shock, the gnawing sense that you might be killed by a nuclear detonation, and a host of other crippling effects too numerous to name.
Searching the shelves of England’s oldest chemist’s shop for a potential palliative, you’ll first come upon a slightly dusty bottle of Mason’s Carbolic Acid. This is a powerful disinfectant which the dispensing pharmacist prescribes for moron contamination. If you have a moron in your midst, you’ll need to fight the accompanying contaminates.
Near the container of carbolic acid sat a corked bottle of Zinc Dust. Standing too close to an orange moron, or even watching one on TV, can lead to a serious zinc deficiency, the most common effect of which is stunted growth (of hands, feet, penis) and acute diarrhea. You can avoid an outbreak of tiny extremities in the midst of the current moron epidemic by taking a teaspoon of zinc dust daily.
Also be sure to pick up some Refined Borax. Chemically known as Anhydrous Disodium Tetraborate, this vital supplement increases concentration and brain function. The chemist on premises explained that it’s important to ingest borax when you sense that having a moron for a president is possibly contagious and is turning you into an idiot.
Finally, don’t go another day without an ample supply of Colic Drink for Horses in your home. Colic is a sign of abdominal pain and many Americans are currently experiencing upset stomachs due to Moron Malady. If the moron is also a horse’s ass, this is a particularly effective tonic.
As of this writing, a great-great-great grandson of the original chemist at this celebrated Knaresborough shop is concocting a therapeutic remedy combining all of these powerful ingredients.
Americans can purchase this health sustaining, Moron Malady cure-all in 50 gallon drums for community use, 10-gallon family-sized barrels, or one-gallon flagons for individual dosing.
Registered Democrats will receive a 25% discount on their first order. Moderates and independents can take advantage of a 10% discount.
Republicans, conservative Christians, racists, white supremacists and NRA members, who are believed to have started the current outbreak of Moron Malady, will just have to suck it up until the current POTUS plague has run its course.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.