Truth In Satire

Trump Has Plan To Beat Cyber Hackers: Put Exclamation Point At End Of Passwords

President personally tested simple fix, found it effective against Russians and “400-pound fat guys sitting on their beds”

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According to the Trump administration’s new cybersecurity chief, an exclamation point is all you need to prevent your computer from being hacked and to permanently safeguard your laptop and cellphone.

Determined to prevent future computer hacking, and thwart cyber interference by foreign powers, President Donald Trump has advanced a comprehensive plan he describes as “foolproof.”

“As we all know, computers have complicated lives very greatly,” said Mr. Trump. “The whole age of computer has made it where nobody knows exactly what is going on. And we don’t have the kind of security we need. That’s why my program, ‘Project Exclamation Point,’ or PEP, is going to be so huge. It’s simple, it’s easy, and it works.”

President Trump calls Project Exclamation Point, “bold, simple, and effective.”

According to the president-elect’s new cybersecurity chief, Morton Salk, the PEP plan can safeguard the computers of individuals, corporations, and government officials and requires only one step — just add an exclamation point at the end of any existing password or access code.

“Our own team of computer experts developed the PEP plan, it was tested against three 19-year-old computer nerds posing as fat hackers lying on their beds, and the president-elect personally added the critical exclamation point to his own email password,” said Mr. Salk. “In a month of exhaustive testing, not one of our hired hackers could break through the PEP fix or compromise our system.”

However, several computer professionals not associated with Trump’s new cybersecurity team questioned whether Project Exclamation Point was sophisticated enough to stop rogue hackers intent on accessing email accounts and classified sites.

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While the Trump administration says their PEP cybersecurity plan will stop hackers in their tracks, several independent computer experts reject this claim as laughable.

“An exclamation point, that’s it?” asked Nicolai Velescu, a highly-regarded cybersecurity expert working with Palo Alto Networks. “I’m sorry, but I could hack a system protected by an exclamation point in under 10 seconds with my eyes closed, all my fingers amputated, and my keyboard covered in duct tape. The plan sounds ridiculous, if you ask me.”

“Run that by me again,” said Miles Langston, Chief of Cybersecurity at Check Point Software, when reached by phone, “they’re saying just put an exclamation point at the end of an access code and you’re going to stop a competent hacker? Uh…I don’t want to knock Salk, he’s a good guy, but he knows perfectly well that this PEP plan, or whatever they’re calling it, is fucking stupid. My grandmother working off her old Commodore PC could slip past an exclamation point. Salk’s messing with somebody, maybe even Trump himself, I don’t know, but for sure he’s screwing with someone.”

Mr. Salk, asked to comment on the skepticism voiced by many of his colleagues in the private sector, said, “Look, this is what the president wanted, this is what the president got. Just try the damn exclamation point and stop being so negative.”

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