Truth In Satire

Trump Fails Christmas Quiz Given To Every President-Elect Since 1840

Basic questions asked by Cardinal Timothy Dolan about the birth of Jesus and Christian holy traditions totally stump Trump

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President-Elect Trump was incredulous when Cardinal Dolan told him that Jesus was born a Jew. “What the fuck!? You sure? Then why not celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas? Eight days of gift-giving would be huge for retail.”

Every president-elect since Martin Van Buren in 1840 has been given an informal Christmas quiz by the highest-ranking Christian official in closest proximity to the soon-to-be-president.

On Friday morning, the tradition continued in the private office of Cardinal Timothy Dolan at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. While no members of the press were allowed, a videotape of the meeting was recorded and secretly obtained by this reporter.

Here is a portion of the unedited transcript:

Cardinal Dolan: Welcome, Mr. President-Elect. We’ll start with an easy one — who was Jesus’ mother?

Donald Trump: His mother? Are you kidding me, no one knows the answer to that, it was like 3000 years ago. I suppose I could take a guess, but I’d just be throwing a Hail Mary.

Cardinal Dolan: Haha. Good one, sir. Yes, Mary. Mother Mary. The Madonna.

Donald Trump: Madonna? How the hell did she get into the story? I don’t like that hussy anyway. Lousy singer. Getting saggy. And she’s still friends with Rosie O’Fatso. Sad.

Cardinal Dolan: Okay, Mr. President-Elect, let’s try this one. On the night of the Savior’s birth, there was no room at the inn. Where did Mary and Joseph stay?

Donald Trump: Well, it was right around the holidays, right? So…uh…did they upgrade to a Holiday Inn? No? Well, anyway, I’ll tell you this, if they’d waited a couple thousand years, they could’ve stayed at Trump Jerusalem. Gorgeous. 50o luxury rooms. Killer views of the Mount of Olives. Kosher food. And I would have totally comped them.

Cardinal Dolan: They stayed in a manger, sir.

Donald Trump: Manger? You told me Jesus was a Jew. His family didn’t have money for a decent hotel?

Cardinal Dolan: Let’s move on, please. Who visited Jesus in the manger to worship him when he was born?

Donald Trump: Visited him? What, you think I saw the guest register? I don’t know…the Pope?

Cardinal Dolan: No, not the Pope! There were three of them.

Donald Trump: Three Stooges?

Cardinal Dolan: NO! They came bearing gifts.

Donald Trump: Santa Claus? Probably not, there’s only one of him. I give up.

Cardinal Dolan: The Three Kings, goddamn it! Didn’t you ever sing the Christmas carol…‘We Three Kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar…”

Donald Trump: Gifts from Orientals? Probably just some cheap Chinese knock-offs.

Cardinal Dolan: Never mind. Look, this next one is super easy. Our first communion kids can answer this one. Ready? There were animals in the manger when baby Jesus was born. Name one.

Donald Trump: Animals? How disgusting. That’s not sanitary with a newborn baby around. Why didn’t they go back to the Holiday Inn?

Cardinal Dolan: There was no Holiday Inn, I told you that! The manger is like a stall, and they had to stay there because the inn was full. In the stall were some farm animals. Now, name one.

Donald Trump: Oh, I get it, this is a trick question. That’s why you mentioned that song thing before. Okay, then…“Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a cow…COW, that’s it! That’s my answer, COW!

Cardinal Dolan: Is this for real? Can you really be that … look, it was an oxen, alright, not a cow, an oxen, but you were close. There was also a sheep, a donkey, and …

Donald Trump: A donkey!? In a Holiday Inn? See that’s why Trump hotels are considered five-star, first-class, best in the world. We would NEVER let a donkey roam around the lobby.

Cardinal Dolan: Arrgghh! Listen, Mr. President-Elect, you’ve got to get at least one question right here or I can’t in good conscience recommend that you represent the Christian faith in the Oval Office, as every American president before you has done since our very first Commander-In-Chief, President George Washington.

Donald Trump: George Washington Bridge.

Cardinal Dolan: What about it?

Donald Trump: I just got why the George Washington Bridge is named that — because he was our first president.

(At this point in the video, his Eminence removes the zucchetto from the top of his head, wipes sweat from his brow, and seems to be restraining himself from leaping out of his chair.)

Donald Trump: Calm down there Timmy boy, just give me another question, anything — no one can answer these questions like Donald J. Trump. Go ahead, fire away.

Cardinal Dolan: Pay attention now, sir. Watch my lips very closely. Keep your eyes right here. ON WHAT DATE IN DECEMBER WAS JESUS BORN? OR, TO PUT IT ANOTHER WAY, WHAT DATE DOES CHRISTMAS FALL ON EVERY SINGLE YEAR?

Donald Trump: Hey, are you wearing lipstick?

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