Truth In Satire

Trump Children Freak Out When Told They Have To Spend More Time With Base

In leaked videotape, Donald Jr. vows that now that election is over, “I will never shake another sweaty, pig farmer’s hand again”

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Seen here in the Trump executive suite, Ivanka tells her father, “If you ever make us go to those awful states with farms or factories again, we’re flying to Monaco and never coming back.”

In a closed-circuit videotape recorded inside Trump Tower, Donald Trump’s three eldest children are seen mocking and maligning the uneducated, rural Republican voters who vigorously supported their father’s presidential candidacy.

Secretly released to The New York Times on today, the ten-minute videotape of the Trump scions show them harshly condemning “those dumb ass hicks who actually think Dad gives a shit about them” and swearing that they’ll “never be caught at another Iowa pancake breakfast again.”

In one segment, Ivanka is heard telling her brothers, “now that the election is over, Jared and I are never traveling any farther west than the Hudson — unless it’s to L.A. or Aspen.”

Don Jr. smirks and replies, “And I never want to see another toothless redneck again — that means staying out of any state where the peasants speak with a drawl.” Laughing, brother Eric reveals to his siblings, “Dad told me yesterday that now that this fiasco is over he’s going to dry- clean every suit he owns, take a 10-hour shower, and ban anyone with dirt under their fingernails wearing flannel and driving a pick-up truck from entering Trump Tower.”

At one point, Don Jr. complains that he can’t get the smell of Budweiser and barbecue out of his nasal passages. “How did this happen?” he says. “How did our billionaire father become the champion of every lowlife, unemployed high school dropout in the country?”

Ivanka shakes her head and laments, “the whole thing just went haywire. It was supposed to be good publicity for my clothing line, free advertising for the new hotels, and a way for Dad to score some fresh Lolitas. Then, suddenly, Jeb becomes an inarticulate weasel, Rubio turns into a scary automaton, Cruz reveals his pact with Satan, Carson goes all fundamental-case on us…and Dad wins!. This really sucks.”

Toward the end of the videotape, President-Elect Trump briefly enters the frame dressed in pajamas and scolds his heirs, “Get your asses off the couch, take the jet, and get down to that truck and tractor pull in Kentucky…now.” The three are then seen cowering from his raised hand as they grab Tumi overnight bags and scamper toward the door.

*****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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