Truth In Satire

Trump Calls For America’s “Tippy-Top Military” To Be Used On Southern Border

President consults with General Mattis about bringing “our super-duper Army” into immigration fight

Fresh off of describing the White House as being in “tippy-top shape,” President Donald Trump used similar language to announce that the U.S. military would be used to guard the southern border against an invasion by Mexican immigrants.

“We have poopy-poor laws for our border and we are going to be doing some things about that — I’ve been speaking with General Mattis — we’re going to get our tippy-top military involved,” Mr. Trump said on Tuesday. “Until we can have a wall and proper security, we’re going to be guarding our border with our supercalifragilisticexpialidocious military. That’s a big step…and a big word. I really haven’t used big words like that before, but it’s time.”

President Trump also mentioned that a caravan of Central American migrants was about to invade the U.S. and “only a tremendotastic wall of U.S. soldiers, or watchman, or whatever you want to call them, can stop these non-English speaking people from crossing the border, stealing our jobs and eating all our avocados.”

Mr. Trump was also quick to add that “lots of bad-assy guns and other primo weapons, including whizz-bang night vision goggles” would be deployed by the military to keep Mexican and Central American migrant workers, women, and children from entering the U.S. from the southern border. “Whatever it takes, we’ll get our boys geared up with the bestest equipment for putting down the avocado eaters before they set foot in Texas, Arizona and Indiana.”

The White House later put out a correction, stating that President Trump meant to say “we’ll get our boys and girls geared up,” and that he should have said New Mexico, not Indiana, when he was speaking about America’s southern border states.

The president’s office also issued a correction after he was quoted as saying that the U.S. Army is the “Rolls-Royce of militaries.” Upon learning that Rolls-Royce is not an American automobile brand, the president had his office change the statement to read “Cadillac of militaries.”


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