Truth In Satire

Trump Butt Dials Kim Jong-Un, Leads To Major Diplomatic Incident With N. Korea

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President-elect Donald Trump apparently “pocket dialed” Kim Jong-Un of North Korea, setting off a serious diplomatic incident and ending the volatile leader’s support of a major golf course development in his country by Trump International.

Over the weekend, President-Elect Donald Trump unknowingly “butt dialed” Kim Jong-Un, supreme leader of North Korea, while the communist strongman was sleeping. Late Sunday afternoon, Jong-Un phoned Mr. Trump to ask about the middle of the night call.

Audio of that phone conversation was hacked by an unknown computer geek in West Virginia and released to the Washington Post:

Kim Jong-Un: Hey, why you call me?

Donald J. Trump: I didn’t call you. I’m sitting here with Bannon. We were just talking about Vlad Putin…from Russia. He and I are planning a world takeover. You in?

Kim Jong-Un: You call 3:50am. I sleeping. You wake me.

DJT: Wasn’t me, Kim, I swear. Must have been another world leader.

Kim Jong-Un: It on caller log. Right here — D. Trump, 3:50am. I send you screen capture.

DJT: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t call you, okay?

Kim Jong-Un: Phone no lie. I see name — D. Trump.

DJT: Well, you know how confusing computers have become these days, Kim, cell phones, too. They’ve complicated our lives greatly. Nobody knows exactly what is going on. So maybe you don’t have all the facts…understand what I’m saying?

Kim Jong-Un: You call me stupid? I no stupid. You stupid. You orange and stupid.

DJT: I didn’t say you’re stupid! And there’s no need to get personal. Maybe you have one of those South Korean cheapo Samsung Galaxy 7’s? Those things are unreliable. Dangerous. They could start a fire on your private jet…or biplane…or whatever it is you’re flying in North Korea these days.

Kim Jong-Un: You insult North Korea air force?! We have superior air force. Best prop planes in world. Can take King Kong off building. Besides, you have funny hair.

DJT: Dude, do not go down the hair road with me, okay — you with your ‘Mao Mohawk.’

Kim Jong-Un: Hey, you start piss me off now!

DJT: Jong, can I call you Jong? (the recording is then slightly muffled as Mr. Trump covers the receiver with his hand, whispers to someone, “Jong sounds like dong, right, haha.” He then returns to call.)

Kim Jong-Un: You think I deaf? I hear what you say. “Jong like dong.” Well, Trump like chump. And pump. Yeah, you big sump pump, Trump! You suck shitwater out of basement.

DJT: Hey, Jong Dong, watch your mouth. Do you know who I am? You’re talking to the next President of the United States!

Kim Jong-Un: Yeah, but she win popular vote.

DJT: Hey, you fat fuck-wad! I invite you to join me and Vlad in total world domination and you try to belittle my mandate-making, landslide victory?

Kim Jong-Un: No landslide. Bullshit. No mandate. More like you manhandled by old lady. You just big pussy.

DJT: Look, Jong Dong, don’t make me drop a fucking mushroom cloud on your Mao Mohawk, okay, because I will. I’d happily take out every one of you under-biting Kimchees!

Kim Jong-Un: I want speak with Dennis.

DJT: Who the fuck is Dennis?

Kim Jong-Un: I want speak with Great Dennis Rodman. Bring to phone.

DJT: Oh, of course, Dennis Rodman, your best friend. Yeah, sure let me find him for you. Hey, Junior…run out to the back alley and peel Dennis Rodman off the pavement would you?…Okay, Kim, my boys ran out to get him.

Kim Jong-Un: Why Great Dennis Rodman on pavement in alley?

DJT: Why, because The Worm’s a lowlife fucking drug addict waste of a human being, that’s why. Figures you’d be friends with that banjo-lipped, basketball playing baboon.

Kim Jong-Un: Do not speak bad words about Great Dennis Rodman!

DJT: What a hoot, I just love this — Mao and the Mandingo. Maybe if you ask nicely, Sony will make an epic movie about the two of you. Hahahaha!

At this point in the recording, someone out of earshot tells the president-elect that his cell phone logs were checked and that he did apparently pocket dial the North Korean leader in the middle of the night. There is some muffled back-and-forth between Mr. Trump, Steve Bannon, and other staffers, and then the president-elect returns to the call.

DJT: Hey, Kim, sorry, gotta go. But let’s catch up soon. Love you, bro.

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