Truth In Satire

Trump Announces Makeover Of Camp David Into Luxurious “IvankaLand Resort”

Calls current presidential retreat “a disaster that I will transform into an unforgettable, world-class hotel and spa property”

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President Trump held a press conference in the Main Lodge at Camp David to announce his plans to turn the historic presidential retreat into “one of the greatest hotel, spa and golf resorts in the world.”

After touring Camp David last weekend, President Donald Trump called a press conference to announce he would be demolishing the presidential retreat and turning it into a five-star hotel, spa and golf resort.

The new, luxurious vacation destination will be open to all verified American citizens from red sates and be renamed the “IvankaLand Resort,” after Trump’s 36-year-old daughter and paramour.

“What a dilapidated dump,” Trump said after his guided tour. “I wouldn’t send Rudy here and I don’t even like the guy. After more than 70 years, it’s time to transform Camp David into something with class, a Trump property fit for despots, oligarchs,maybe a few top dollar prostitutes.”

Camp David, located in the Blue Ridge Mountains about 60 miles from the White House, was first named the official presidential retreat by Harry Truman in 1945. Dwight Eisenhower named it Camp David in honor of his grandson in 1953. Ever since, American presidents have been going there for rest, rejuvenation and historic high-level meetings.

But President Trump says it’s time to turn the 200-acre mountain retreat into “a major revenue generator for America, instead of a drain on your tax dollar for another 70 years.”

Not wasting any time, Trump flew his three eldest children to Camp David for a groundbreaking ceremony. “I promised the American people that I would get things done fast, fantastic things, and this Camp David makeover is a top priority after I build my wall and one of my best ideas ever,” said Mr. Trump. “When we complete the IvankaLand resort — on budget and ahead of schedule — everyone in America will thank me. ‘Thank you, Mr. President, for turning this national eyesore into a five-star vacation property that we’re proud to send you to every weekend when you’re not in Mar-a-Lago.’”

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