Truth In Satire

Trump Calls For “Gluten-Free Presidency” In PR Stunt To Attract Celebrity Voters

Growing popularity of wheat-less diets among A-list stars seems to be president’s motive for touting recent lifestyle trend

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Mr. Trump says he’ll be “a pioneering president for the gluten-free movement” if it succeeds in attracting more celebrities. (Credit: www.wsj.com)

an obvious ploy to win over Hollywood celebrities who have shunned him in the past, President Donald Trump announced on Saturday that his will be “the gluten-freest presidency in history.”

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First Lady Melania Trump is a big proponent of the president’s new “gluten-free presidency.” (Credit: ktla.com)

When asked at a Rose Garden press conference what exactly having a gluten-free presidency would involve, Mr. Trump did not appear to know what gluten was or why the trend toward gluten-light diets was growing in popularity.

“It’s a good thing though, I know that, and a very hot trend with the A-list celebrities. Which is why I’m going to change my campaign slogan this week to ‘Damn Tootin’, No Gluten.’”

Gluten-free diets have become popular with famous actors, reality TV stars, professional athletes, and other trendsetters, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Alba, Russell Crowe, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Drew Brees, and Victoria Beckham, who are promoting it as a way to stay slim and avoid digestive problems.

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Mr. Trump said that when it comes to gluten “a little goes a long way,” obviously having no idea what he was talking about. (Credit: www.reviewjournal.com/)

When told that a gluten-free presidency would likely mean that he’d have to give up cake, cookies, Cheetos, potato chips, and other junk food, the president shot a look at White House staffers that seemed to say, “I’m going to kill you all.”

President Trump has been working hard in other ways to attract the celebrities whose attention he covets, even pardoning some who were imprisoned for serious crimes, including Dinesh D’Souza, the right-wing author and movie maker.

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The president points out that Trump steaks are gluten-free. At least he think that’s the case. (Credit: vanityfair.com)

He has also talked of granting a full pardon to Martha Stewart, a move that would please fans of her double-thick chocolate chip cookies, garden party short-cuts, and frilly home decor line.

Just moments after his announcement of a gluten-free presidency, the National Wheat Council, a lobbying group representing farmers across America’s Midwest, issued a statement harshly criticizing the president for his new no-gluten policy. Mr. Trump responded immediately with a tweet that read, “To be clear, I’m a big fan of gluten, always was.”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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